Blog 7.3: Lost in the Wilderness. Part 3 of 3

The Myth of “Living the Dream” in the Country: The Northern Ontario Experience.

ADDITIONAL POINTS OF INTEREST:

For those of you that have not yet changed your mind and called a time-share real-estate agent somewhere down south, I will dispel a few more myths of the Ontario north-country.

“YOU WILL MEET INTERESTING PEOPLE.”

“Interesting” if you are a sociologist writing a book perhaps, but you should expect to meet uneducated, unwashed, unkempt, alcoholic, drug using scammers and gossips anywhere you go.

The areas “best and brightest” have left for greener pastures and better lives and they rarely return.

THIS SHOULD BE TELLING YOU SOMETHING!

The Locals that were left behind have a huge inferiority complex that makes them jealous and envious of “citiots”- a term they often use that refers to anyone that left the confines of the area or that is new to the area. They will take your money when you hire them, but will gossip endlessly about you as a “thank you” for employing them. They will always happily take your money in their shops but will not reciprocate by supporting your business.

The rampant morbid obesity is a tell-tale sign of their low self-esteem and self-worth issues. Anxiety and Depression are also common and of course made worse by alcoholism, illegal drug use or going off their prescription meds. The closest town has two methadone clinics with an area population of only 20,000.

“YOU CAN BUILD A NEW LIFE IN THE COUNTRY.”

If that means working at a career or job that would require the support of the locals; forget it. If you did not grow-up there, they will resist employing you or supporting your business. They think that by hiring you they are taking food out of the mouths of one of their local boy’s family. If you bring specialized skills that are unmatched in the area, they will hire several locals first before caving in and hiring you to finally fix the problems. They will try to negotiate your invoice AFTER the work is done so be careful who you work for.

If you think that your big city experience is marketable- you are sorely mistaken. Women and minorities will have it even worse as the local folks are about 100 years behind in their thinking but THEY ARE LEARNING TO HIDE IT better, thanks to the societal movement towards political correctness.

You will hear that “they have tried all this before” even though they have not. You will hear “that is not how we do things up here” which of course is why they struggle so. If you attempt to “raise the bar” they will reject your ideas in favour of continuing to crawl under it. Their inferiority complex makes them small-minded. New ideas that did not come from them just makes them feel inferior. They ask for suggestions but view answers as CRITICISM.

Their idea of success is survival- NOT GETTING AHEAD!

ALL BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT:

You will run out of propane at 3:00 am.

Your furnace will quit at 3:00 am.

Pipes burst at 3:00 am.

Trees fall across your driveway at 3:00 am.

Drunk, crying women will show up in your driveway at 3:00 am.

“THE FRESH AIR WILL INCREASE YOUR APPETITE.”

You may be hungry but where can you go to eat?

Restaurant quality may be my biggest reason for getting the hell back to civilization. Roadside converted service stations that sell DEEP FRIED EVERYTHING with

“Home Made” GOOD SOURCES of FAT and SODIUM litter the area. You will have to drive some distance for a truly good meal. The smell of the forty year old automotive grease and oil that impregnates those old concrete garage floors “pair well” with the grease and oil that these “greasy spoons” are cooking with.

“LIVING THE DREAM.”:

If you think that you are headed to a place of serenity, then most of you will find that you were WRONG unless you buy acreage away from lakes, trails, roads and PEOPLE. With ownership, you are simply TRADING city stressors for country stressors.

GIVE ME SMOG, IDIOT DRIVERS AND BLACK SNOW-BANKS ONCE MORE AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT CITY LIFE AGAIN.

I will rent or buy a condo and let someone else handle all the maintenance. I miss restaurants, spare time, movie theatres, income opportunities and women that look after themselves. If I never see another snowflake or pine needle again; I would be just fine with that too.

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as how WE CAN CHANGE ANY ASPECT OF OUR LIFE AT ANY AGE.

The new dream is of sand beaches, palm trees and warm temperatures.

I wonder how long their bug season is.

See you there!

Have a healthy happy week. I have travel arrangements to make.

E. A.

P. S.

If anyone has a large estate on a tropical island or a huge yacht that you rarely use and you want someone to watch over the place; please get in touch. FYI, I am very experienced with boats and would make a good motor-launch pilot. I could probably get used to “hanging” with women named Missy, Bitsy and Muffy.

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E. A. Barker

About the Author E. A. Barker is an under-achieving, occasionally brilliant, man-child now in mid-life who can get into High IQ sperm-banks the world over. He is a keen observational analyst, satirist, humorist, and researcher. He lacks doctorates in psychiatry, psychology, psychotherapy, medicine, genetics, theology, political science, sociology and physics and is completely okay with this; yet he is willing to challenge these experts to wake up and do better. E. A. believes he is an average guy in mid-life who has led a mostly average life. His readers may not agree with his assessment. The single biggest difference between him and most other people is his relentless pursuit of knowledge. Throughout his life he never stopped asking the simplest question: Why? E. A. thinks of himself as a collector of ideas and a purveyor of dot connections. He attempts to present his findings in an entertaining fashion in an effort to encourage people to read—especially men who are reading far too little these days. E. A. Barker is an advocate of education for its ability to affect societal reform and actively promotes the idea that a global conscience is possible.

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