Blog 12: Unraveling the mysteries of the Universe.

What if it is not as difficult as we are led to believe?

What if the flip-flop is the key to everything?

Physicists are directed by mathematics that seems to contain a logical consistency within the formulae.  They then attempt to prove their theoretical ideas. Lately, they have had some successes.

But what if the sciences are just a racket?

For the last 3500 years since Mesopotamia, the most brilliant minds pitched the wealthiest people around, usually Kings and Religious Leaders, and played on their FEARS; promising them answers to impossible questions in return for MONEY.

We call this the grant system today.

Paranoid governments fear the other inhabitants of Earth and will pay anything to the person that can offer SECURITY. I guaranty that if you show that you are close to being able to put an energy shield over the USA, you will quickly have incredible amounts of money raining down on your head.

What if THE ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING hinge on just one answer in a different discipline and what if almost nobody is studying that area?

Anthropometry.

 

ALL THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE will be unlocked the day we understand why women need SO MANY SHOES.

It is summer, and with this season comes the clicking of flip-flops. A young girl that could actually run in hers inspired this writer to attempt to motivate the scientific community to make a serious study of this bizarre phenomenon.

Early man learned that foot protection meant that he could hunt and gather in places where others feared injury. He could walk on jagged rocks and fish in coral shallows just by wrapping his feet in the skins of the animals he hunted.

He learned successful hunting strategies:

  • Hunting by stealth meant blending in and not standing out.
  • Sneaking up on your prey meant being quiet.

Women were probably once equal to their mates thousands of years ago when humans were migrating to warmer climates following their food supply. They most likely went hunting and gathering with their mate for mutual advantage. Simply, a pair could hunt better than an individual.

Inequality and glass ceilings did not exist in this period of human history.

That would all come later.

This is the prehistorical life of Oog.

In most cases, the men of the time did notice that their mate could not lift as big a stone as they could. There were other differences too. The biggest being that for about three moons, after three seasons together, her belly swelled and she did not want to travel or hunt until she produced a new little hunter. These new hunters were too noisy to take hunting until many moons had passed.

On some hunting trips Oog would also notice that his hunting partner was looking for prey where he would not think to look. She would stop to smell the prey often near brightly coloured flowers. She would stop and watch brightly coloured flying insects to learn their secrets. She would stop and listen to noise made by a brightly coloured bird. Oog knew that SHE WAS INDEED IN TOUCH WITH POWERFUL MAGIC that was beyond him.

Oog would hunt alone most of the time now, and was not travelling as far as they once did prior to the little hunters. He would arrive back at the cave to find that his hunting partner had been busy. There were hides covering the ground in the cave and she would make him take off his foot-wrappings before he could walk on them- especially when it had been raining. She had brought the brightly coloured flowers into the cave to attract prey so that Oog would not have to travel so far to find food. SHE WAS WISE so he complied with her wishes.

One particular day in Oog’s memory, he returned to the cave to find his hunting partner wearing something other than a foot-wrapping on her feet. She had scraped fallen tree branches on rocks until she had made two small wooden planks the size of her feet. Then she had taken the tip of her spear and spun it until she had made two holes in each plank. Finally she tied strips of hide through the holes creating a loop that was just big enough for her big toe. As she walked they slapped the bottom of her foot and made a clacking sound that was surely designed to ward off dangerous animals. Why else would she have gone to all this trouble? With the top of her foot exposed they were not warm but she could walk over the sharpest coral without cutting through the foot wrappings. Oog decided that this was why she did it and that IT WAS A GOOD THING.

A short time later, she had applied the juices of a plant to the wood and this made them brightly coloured so that her feet would be camouflaged when she hunted in the brightly coloured fields of flowers that she spent so much time in. Oog thought that he must be the most fortunate hunter of all time to have a hunting partner AS SMART AS HIS.

He asked her to make him a pair.

Some moons later she presented him with a set of his own. He put them on and immediately noticed that stepping on a small stone no longer hurt his foot. He squeezed her affectionately as SHE OBVIOUSLY CARED SO MUCH ABOUT HIM that she was trying to take his pain away.

He could not wait to go hunting with them on his feet.

At the earliest light Oog put on his footwear and attempted to run after the prey in the flowery field. After only his second stride, the wooden plank of his right foot caught a tree root- tripped him up and causing him to fall hard to the ground.

His big toe was bleeding.

Undaunted and shaking off the pain in his big toe, Oog began to stalk the prey much more slowly and he was being careful not to make the clacking sound associated with his new foot protection. He snuck up on many prey birds that day and had the most successful hunt ever. His amazing hunting partner had forced him to become a stealthier hunter and it had worked. Oog was beaming with pride in his hunt and IN HIS SELECTION OF A SUCH AN AMAZING MATE; just when a sabre-toothed tiger attacked and killed him. It seems that the killer cat had been following the blood trail from his injured big toe

Oog was the first FLIP-FLOP FATALITY.

His hunting partner would find another mate to wear the flip-flops. He would die at the base of a cliff after losing his footing on some jagged loose stones and falling to his death.

Years later some tribesmen in a hunting party would stumble across Ugg’s skeletonised remains and remove the unusual footwear. The flip-flops were well preserved by the colour applied to the wood. The hunting party, upon returning to the village, would present them to the tribal chief who would wear them proudly. His warriors would have their mates make them some as well to emulate their great chief.

They began to lose many battles after that and they knew not why.

Eventually, all the warriors were all gone and the victors took the women of the village as slaves and mates.

All of those women knew how to make flip-flops and they did not like their conquerors.

Skip ahead 40,000 years to our modern times.

The flip-flop is still with us.

Women continue to love them and some men still attempt to use them- especially now that they come with bottle openers built into their soles.

The flip-flop related fatalities continue as well.

Today, thanks to fashion magazines, yearly changes to seasonal colors drive up the quantity of flip-flops you will find stored throughout your house. Your mate will tell you that some needed replacing because of wear and others were needed to update colours but the collection can grow by as much as ten pairs per year and rarely are any parted with.

Similarly, flats, pumps, runners, boots and the close relative to the flip-flop: the sandal, all apparently require the same upgrading and storage process to await their eventual return to fashion–ability.

Statistics indicate that the average woman owns 21 pairs of footwear. I guess I know above average women. A study also shows that women also own 9 pairs of shoes that were purchased for a singular occasion and these too must be stored for years as a keepsake to remember the event.

From the data collected we can establish the following:

Formula

As this equation clearly indicates, women’s shoes will grow exponentially until they consume the planet, our solar system, our galaxy and finally our universe.

We must stop the threat.

Do not let yourselves be fooled gentlemen; women have been in on it from the beginning.

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

Talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as HOW WOMEN CAN BE YOUR UNDOING.

 

Have a good flip-flop free week.

E. A.

P. S.

I have absolutely no idea if that formula says anything at all; but would it not be amazing if in the moment that I was writing this- the universe spoke to me. I just took a Fourier equation and plugged in the numbers 21 and 9 and then added a well known sorority.

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Published by

E. A. Barker

About the Author E. A. Barker is an under-achieving, occasionally brilliant, man-child now in mid-life who can get into High IQ sperm-banks the world over. He is a keen observational analyst, satirist, humorist, and researcher. He lacks doctorates in psychiatry, psychology, psychotherapy, medicine, genetics, theology, political science, sociology and physics and is completely okay with this; yet he is willing to challenge these experts to wake up and do better. E. A. believes he is an average guy in mid-life who has led a mostly average life. His readers may not agree with his assessment. The single biggest difference between him and most other people is his relentless pursuit of knowledge. Throughout his life he never stopped asking the simplest question: Why? E. A. thinks of himself as a collector of ideas and a purveyor of dot connections. He attempts to present his findings in an entertaining fashion in an effort to encourage people to read—especially men who are reading far too little these days. E. A. Barker is an advocate of education for its ability to affect societal reform and actively promotes the idea that a global conscience is possible.

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