Sinister plot by the world’s elite or just more stupid human tricks?

I think I might have been put here to sort stupid humans out before they destroy themselves. I never have all the answers, but it does seem like I have many more than the average person surfing the Internet.

I will preface this by saying that my entire belief system was shaken by the recent US election. My mind has been reeling ever since. I am now questioning everything and reexamining all the things I once thought to be TRUE. I had believed that no FREE DEMOCRATIC country would ever vote in a known reprobate, let alone make him the leader of the FREE world. Boy was I WRONG! I had dismissed the need for reiterating the example of Germany in 1932 believing it to be a lesson learned and remembered, but I obviously got that WRONG as well.

To disconnect from my personal concerns, I spent the entire weekend immersed in pseudo-documentaries looking for facts amongst all the conjecture contained in the popular conspiracy theories floating around these days. Some I knew to be TRUE. Some I had long suspected to be TRUE, but most I viewed as implausible for a variety of scientific reasons. However, because I have been SO WRONG lately, I felt it necessary to review all the beliefs I had once clung to.

Section 1: The top 10 things I know to be TRUE:

1) Money makes the world go round.

2) Money is power and power corrupts without exception.

3) Wars always turn large profits for a small group of people.

4) For at least 5000 years religion has been a big money maker.

5) It was religion that switched human civilization from matriarchal to patriarchal more than 5000 years ago.

6) Coincidentally sexism is the same age.

7) Humans incapable of rational thought will embrace the irrational.

8) Fearful humans will throw the rest of mankind under a bus to save themselves.

9) The wealthiest people are also the most fearful.

10) I like dogs better than humans. Dogs understand the different meanings of humanity better than humans do.

 

Section 2: The top 10 things I have long suspected to be TRUE:

1) Freedom may have always been an illusion.

2) A democratic system which is incapable of legislation and change benefiting its populace is totalitarian, and elections become nothing more than a show.

3) Only 33% of humanity is worth saving and the people who will decide are not in that group.

4) Putting economics ahead of ecology and society; the genetic manipulation and waste of food; water treatments; inoculations; burning fossil fuels; wide spread drug use and allowing our governments to spend us into servitude to the world banks and their New World Order is ALL our own doing. You lived too well for far too long. Don’t whine about it because some smart immoral pricks are making a buck from your stupidity. Parties don’t last forever.

5) The grant system and field of study specialization has rendered scientific research ineffectual and the compartmentalization makes it controllable.

6) Advanced human civilizations have been coming and going every 12,000 years or so and perhaps this has been going on for 120,000 years.

7) Mother Earth flushes her toilet periodically as the need arises.

8) Fearful humans feel the need to look for external causes for their problems rather than looking at how they themselves have contributed to or created those problems.

9) Obliviousness is easier—at least until the end comes.

10) We need a female only think tank to combat the madness.

 

Section 3: The top 10 things which are not quite as implausible as they once seemed, but you will still have to PROVE IT even though I have been WRONG quite a bit lately:

1) The Flat Earth group created the biggest face-palm of my entire life—next to the American election that is. I really thought humans were better than this—exhibiting such a preponderance of infinite denial. There I go being WRONG again. I want this bunch to get back to me when they have done any of the following experiments: Sail up to any edge of the Earth, lean against the dome and take a selfie or play catch by bouncing a ball off of it. That would be fun. Next, if the world is not round, try to fire a laser from one continent to another near sea level and see how that goes for you. Now, about your GPS issue, there are 31 moving satellites at an altitude of 12,550 miles which manage 95% coverage of the planet most of the time. That is one tall dome you are proposing by the way, and how do the satellites move without crashing into it? They cannot stop or back up. At 12 billion dollars each you might be more understanding of minor lapses in low traffic zones especially when new satellites have to be launched every day to replace the ones destroyed by hitting the dome. This would help to explain black budgets though. Now some astrophysics 101 for the group: Why are we not ripped apart by the speeds we are said to be travelling at? Why can you not feel the Earth spinning? You were born at a galactic speed of 1.34 million miles per hour in a  solar system traveling at 514,000 miles per hour within the Milky Way on a ball traveling at 66,600 miles per hour around the sun in the vacuum of space while spinning you and everything on it at 1040 miles per hour. This is your natural state. If we ever hit something, I guaranty you will feel it. When you jump straight up, why doesn’t the Earth spin away under you? It does an infinitesimal amount, but due to the huge size of the planet and the fact that you are still moving at 1040 miles per hour along with the Earth while being held by her gravitational pull, you land in the same spot when gravity pulls you back down. Gravity is also the reason you do not fly off the spinning ball. Gravity is not fully understood by our present level of understanding—or so physicists claim publicly. Finally, yes there is a massive resort in Antarctica where the extremely rich will live with aliens after they kill us all. They deserve the skin cancer and minus 80 degree temperatures for all their evil deeds.

2) UFO’s are real. They are unidentified flying objects as advertised. This does NOT make them extraterrestrial nor extra-dimensional—just unknown to most outside of the military industrial complex.

3) Aliens! Where to start? This is the embodiment of the need for irrational fearful humans to invent evil doers instead of looking for the real human ones. Antigravity flying saucers DO NOT prove their existence; nor do a million blurry photos; balls of light or a million stories of government cover-ups.

4) I do keep the door open a tiny crack for ancient aliens—especially the benevolent teacher types, but until we dig one up, we are simply inventing a new mythology to replace the long existing ones we have grown out of. Mysterious symbols and loose interpretations DO NOT an alien make.

5) Hollow Earth subterranean beings are right down there with number 1. Kill one and drag its body up to the surface. Dissect it revealing an anatomy we have never seen before and you will get my attention. Better yet just capture one or invite it out for lunch.

6) Bigfoot, Yetis, Sasquatch etc. You people are way behind the UFO guys in your body of questionable evidence, but I like the idea of a missing link anthropoid. It’s not cool to ride on their coattails by saying that a Bigfoot was seen shortly after a UFO was sighted in the area.

7) Secret societies: The Knights Templar, Free Masons, The Illuminati, Rosicrucians, Ordo Templis Orientis, Hermetic Order of The Golden Dawn, Opus Dei and Yale’s Skull and Bones are ALL religious based. Refer to Section 1, Number 4.

8) Billionaires pulling the strings: Carlos Slim Helu, The Rothschilds, Liliane Bettencourt, Bernard Arnault, Queen Elizabeth, The Pope, Bill Gates, Amancio Ortega, Warren Buffett, Jeff Bezos and about 1800 others who when combined, are worth about 6.5 trillion dollars. They meet regularly as The Bilderberg Group for a general accounting audit called for by their Decepticon alien overlords. They also plan false flag events and dream up the media scare tactics to pull them off.

9) The New World Order where less than a billion people inherit the Earth. I could be WRONG about this—especially these days—but I cannot comprehend the level of survivor guilt that this new society would carry with them after mass genocide. It would destroy them. If that is not enough, the wealthiest people on the planet are also the weakest, most fearful, least scrupulous, most immoral, least ethical, pettiest, and are replete with entitlement issues. They would quickly turn on each other causing the sun to set on yet another advanced human civilization that will be dug up in another 12,000 years. Perhaps their descendants will be taught to see the error of their ways before their new civilization dies out, which can then be passed on through an accurate oral history which later can be carved into stone tablets or written on papyrus.

10) Dog spelled backwards is God.

 

When we do not want to talk about sex to a child who overheard a sexual reference, we simply let them spin. This is what people with actual knowledge do to the conspiracy theorists. They use you as a vehicle for disinformation so they can continue whatever they are up to without prying eyes. They leak just enough information to make you waste your life in a quagmire of misinformation without resolution.

This has been both fun and cleansing.

I am off to the pet store to play with puppies.

E. A.

P.S. If I don’t write anything else before the holidays, I want to wish you a safe and happy festive season.

Advertisements

Your Sunday Excerpt.

The purpose of this book is to teach guys how to identify women who are not good for them, give them some information about what makes a woman tick, and guide them through the potential relationship difficulties they could face in each decade of their lives.

My 2015 Word Press Blog: year in review.

Have a great 2016 everyone.

HERE IS EVERY LINK TO MY MESSED UP SITE.

I hope you find the posts enjoyable and I also hope that I have not added any new boo boos.

I do have one request though; please LEAVE A COMMENT if you read a post. If you are too shy to comment but enjoyed it; LIKE it. If you loved it; SHARE it on your page. If you hate me or my writing or both, I want to know that too. I do not do this for money. I do this to make people think about things that may be outside of their bubble. I call it awareness.

 

A Sneak Peak of My Book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with women: the long awaited instruction manual.

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/04/18/sneak-preview/

 

My First Blog Post: Where did it go?

Anti-social media bit me again. I ranted about being a “newbie” to social media. (670 words) https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/03/24/blog-1-where-did-it-go/

 

Blog 2: The Regurgitation: What it is like to have written a book.

I tore down the fantasy of writing and launching a book while continuing the bitterness theme of Blog 1. (1016 words) https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/03/30/blog-2-the-regurgitation-what-it-is-like-to-have-written-a-book/

 

Blog 3: What is it all about anyway?

I questioned mortality, the concept of multi-tasking and legacy in a humorous way. (744 words) https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/04/11/blog-3-what-is-it-all-about-anyway/

 

Blog 4: Signs of Spring- an intoxicated tirade.

I discuss writers that abused substances among other humorous trivial things. (886 words) https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/04/17/blog-4-signs-of-spring-an-intoxicated-tirade/

 

Blog 5: Everything I know… so far.

What do books, music, TV and films have in common? Someone has to gamble on them. I talk of the “Indie” scenes of film, music but predominantly books, in two parts. (4916 words)

Part 1: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/04/25/blog-5-1-everything-i-know-so-far/

Part 2: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/04/30/blog-5-2-everything-i-know-so-far/

 

Blog 6: The FEAR Lessons:

EVIL WORDSMITHS ARE PREYING ON YOUR IMAGINATIONS! This three part blog is politically relevant- defining a Canadian, a Muslim and fear mongers. (6228 words)

Part 1: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/05/08/blog-6-1-the-fear-lessons/

Part 2: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/05/13/blog-6-2-the-fear-lessons/

Part 3: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/blog-6-3-the-fear-lessons-2/

 

Blog 7: Lost in the Wilderness.

The Myth of “Living the Dream” in the Country: The Northern Ontario Experience. This is a four part comedic “reality check” for all those considering retirement in rural Ontario. (4250 words)

Part 1: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/blog-7-1-lost-in-the-wilderness-part-1-of-3-2/

Part 2: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/06/09/blog-7-2-lost-in-the-wilderness-part-2-of-3/

Part 3: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/06/12/blog-7-25-angry-giant-rant/

Part 4: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/06/15/blog-7-3-lost-in-the-wilderness-part-3-of-3/

 

Blog 8: A Study in POSITIVITY.

Challenged by a writing group, I attempted to put a positive spin on humans. (1109 words) https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/06/19/blog-9-a-study-in-positivity/

 

Blog 9: Flashback 24 years!

This two part blog flashes back 24 years to my youth where I was incensed enough to write The Spicer Commission. (4951 words)

Part 1: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/06/29/blog-9-1-flashback-24-years/

Part 2: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/07/16/blog-9-2-flashback-24-years/

 

Blog 10: I am salmon. Hear me gurgle?

What if awareness and obliviousness is the same thing? Why do I persist in swimming against the current? This two part blog talks of awareness, intellect and the workings of the human mind. (2255 words)

Part 1: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/07/28/blog-10-1-i-am-salmon-hear-me-gurgle/

Part 2: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/08/08/blog-10-2-i-am-salmon-hear-me-gurgle/

 

Blog 11: My BIGFOOT Encounters: Three spooky tales for camping out.

Fear not parents; the myth is dispelled at the end so they will go to sleep. This blog on fear was my first attempt at fiction that led to my writing the non-fiction Blog 6 for adults. (2924 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/08/14/my-bigfoot-encounters-three-spooky-tales-for-camping-out/

 

Blog 12: Unravelling the mysteries of the Universe.

What if it is not as difficult as we are led to believe? What if the flip-flop is the key to everything? This humorous and ridiculous blog is about women, men and women’s shoes. (1606 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/08/24/blog-12-unraveling-the-mysteries-of-the-universe/

 

Blog 13: “We are gonna need a bigger boat”.

Fishing tips from a good fisherman that does not like fishing. This humorous and tragic true life account will be of interest to all that have ever lost a big one. (2552 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/08/28/blog-13-we-are-gonna-need-a-bigger-boat/

 

Blog 14: What really went down in The Garden of Eden?

This blog is a totally foolish story of men, women and the beginning of relationships that is meant to entertain. It is prefaced for those that may be offended. (1962 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/09/06/blog-14-what-really-went-down-in-the-garden-of-eden/

 

Blog 15: Taboo Subjects: Politics, Sex and Religion!

An age of enlightenment will have to include these talking points. This three part blog explores two topics that I do not enjoy and one that I do. (3821 words)

Politics 1: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/09/24/blog-15-1-taboo-subjects/

Sex 2: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/10/06/blog-15-2-taboo-subjects/

Religion 3: https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/blog-15-3-taboo-subjects/

 

Blog 16: TRUE LOVE and the key to keeping it alive.

The secret might just be never allowing COMPLACENCY to enter your relationship. Easier said; THAN DONE! (911 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/10/23/blog-16-true-love-and-the-key-to-keeping-it-alive/

 

Blog 17: The Irrational Rationality.

HUMANS CAN RATIONALIZE ANYTHING. A light look at religious concepts. (1191 words) https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/10/31/blog-17-the-irrational-rationality/

 

Blog 18: November 11th Remembrance Day.

Defining a Canadian and some of our history is what I was striving for with this one. I am quite proud of this piece. It may be my best work. (2086 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/11/05/blog-18-november-11th-remembrance-day-in-canada-2/

 

Blog 19: Why? It is a Good Question.

An outsider’s view of North American society. (724 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2016/01/01/blog-19-why-it-is-a-good-question/

 

Blog 20: Words for a broken-hearted young man.

Defining a “real man” for young guys at the beginning of their journey. (912 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/11/19/blog-20-words-for-a-broken-hearted-young-man/

 

Blog 21: “Shit to avoid doing on Social Media”.

A concept created by Angora Shade. Writers are forced to be on social media and we witness things or actually screw up ourselves, quite a bit. These were my findings. (1292 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/blog-21-shit-to-avoid-doing-on-social-media/

 

Blog 22: Tips for a very merry Christmas… or holiday season… or whatever.

If you are struggling to get into the holiday spirit as I was, read these quotes and suggestions. (697 words)

https://eabarker.wordpress.com/2015/12/07/blog-22-tips-for-a-very-merry-christmas-or-holiday-season-or-whatever/

 

 

 

Blog 14: What really went down in The Garden of Eden?

Preface:

Over 2000 YEARS have passed since the death of Christ.

IT SHOULD NOT BE NECESSARY that I should have to put a warning label on a blog that is written to entertain.

REALLY?

However, there are a great many people in the world that cling to dogmatic religious beliefs without questioning the author, translator and presenter of their chosen book of faith. That is their right. Hopefully these people are GOD fearing and do good deeds in order to have a nice afterlife.

Religion is arguably better than substance abuse for escapists.

Acts of religious terrorism aside, you never hear about a person drunk on religious fervour crashing into a school bus full of kids.

I have a private spiritual side to my being. It need not be discussed. I do not require you to believe as I do in order for you to be one of my readers.

Anyone who has read any of my previous stuff knows that I embrace satire. It is what I do. I seek to see humour and spread laughter wherever possible and I understand that not everyone gets the joke.

Just the other day a neighbor down the street had an underground water pipe burst that was bubbling to the surface. I teased her by saying that she had the lawnmower set too low and I was going to have to tell the owner. She did not get it. I had to explain it to her.

satire  noun  1 ridicule, irony or sarcasm in speech or writing.

WARNING: This blog is not for religious fanatics nor is it for people that do not understand and appreciate satirical witticisms.

I am totally throwing this out there based on distant memories from my childhood Sunday school classes. I will not fact check this ridiculous story so if it is misquoted; SO BE IT!

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

 


In the beginning GOD created the heavens and the Earth and they were good.

Next, HE created man in his own image.

After six days of hard work, HE took a day off. He deserved it.

So we know for sure that men were here first. We also presume that we lived a very long time- nearly immortal living pain free in the Garden’s disease free environment where entropy was somehow slowed way down.

So what would the life of a man be like in such Utopian conditions?

For sure there would be gambling, scotch and cigars.

The things between our legs were just used for urinating.

Men would gather to play cards, drink whiskey and smoke each evening after a day of eating a nearly vegetarian- if not vegan diet of everything that one could want; EXCEPT APPLES!

We were told not to touch those and we were good with the rules as back then, as when we talked to GOD, HE answered us. Who knows, maybe HE sat in on poker night occasionally when HE was not that busy.

I am not certain if fish and bread were on the menu yet.

Smoking and drinking did not hurt us back then.

Years, perhaps even centuries passed this way and we created all the various art forms and practised the ones that THE MAKER had intended for us. HE enjoyed our finished works but as time continued to roll on, you could see HE was getting bored with us. HE would not pop in as often and did not get as excited about our works and stories as HE once did.

Perhaps HE thought we would grow faster as a species than we were and HE was disappointed with our progress.

We men are not as oblivious to the feelings of others as some may think.

We were concerned about this development and called a general meeting to get some ideas as to how we might shake things up for GOD. HE was a cool guy who was really smart. HE could answer any question and we wanted HIM around.

Here was our problem at this point in history:

  1. The sculptors had sculpted everything in The Garden.
  2. The builders had built everything imaginable with the materials available in The Garden.
  3. The artists had painted everything in The Garden.
  4. The musicians had created every note and played every combination of notes.
  5. The writers had written every story of life in The Garden.

We were stumped.

Not a single guy at the meeting could come up with something truly new and exciting.

What would happen next would change all that.

It is not clear if HE had a divine influence in these events or if they happened when HE was not paying attention.

The Adam’s Rib Story just does not hold water, but it is a great rib joint. The talking serpent is a little farfetched too.

One day, a large flying craft that was not a bird, landed in The Garden. It was made of something not found in The Garden. We were all very curious as this NEW THING could be the answer to our concerns. Men from all over The Garden gathered to view this new thing and apply their talents to the inspiration it offered us.

After only a short time, a door opened and out came beings that were similar to us but different.

THEY CALLED THEMSELVES WOMEN and explained that they had come to The Garden from the neighboring planet of Venus.

They were prettier than us. They smelled better than us and for reasons that I cannot explain, suddenly we were more interested in them than poker night.

Note to self, ask GOD what a planet is?

The only concern we had was that they came from OUTSIDE of The Garden but so did GOD and HE was cool.

They showed us many new and wonderful things. Especially nice was another thing to do with the stuff between our legs. Now the dangly part would actually point to them. They made us feel very good- even better than before.

They asked us about the apples and could not understand why we would not touch them.

They were not afraid of GOD and did not seem to know HIM.

They ate the apples and nothing bad seemed to happen when they did. They talked most of us into eating them too.

For some reason these women were able to get us to do just about anything that they desired.

Note to self, ask GOD why we wish to please women like we once tried to please HIM?

The answer to that one came to me all by myself. Women were easier to please than HE is and they stay around.  They liked our works and everything about us was new to them. They were excited by us and not bored; at least not yet.

GOD eventually stuck HIS head in- appearing tired from building universes, whatever they were, and looking to unwind with the boys but some of our poker buddies did not show up.

GOD asked why and we told HIM all about the women and the apple tree and I asked HIM what planets and universes were. HE stood up, threw the poker table across the room and left without answering my question.

This was upsetting to those of us that were there. We had never seen HIM angry before.

We figured that HE would eventually cool down and come back; after all we had been buds for centuries.

BOY, WERE WE WRONG!

HE came back as mad as ever and booted us out of paradise.

HE used a new word that day watching us go forth to multiply in what sounded like a warning and these were HIS final words as we left. He said: “Be careful of MANipulation my little brothers.”

We did not know what that meant and we had no one to ask except the women.

At least HE let us keep the women.


So here is how things have gone for men ever since:

  1. We age and die way faster now.
  2. GOD has not visited since.
  3. He may be listening, but he never answers anymore.
  4. We miss him.
  5. Women can make us feel good for a short time but we used to feel good ALL THE TIME in The Garden.
  6. We have defined the word manipulation but we still do not see it until it is too late.
  7. We kill our fellow man now. That never used to happen. Men do this often in the name of GOD but we know HE never wanted this.
  8. We have gone forth and multiplied so much that the planet will soon be at risk but at least we have figured out what planets and universes are.
  9. We get drunker now than when we were in The Garden and now we get hangovers.
  10. Scotch and cigars can kill us now but we continue to use them.

Here is the conspiracy theory version of events:

  1. Women have been in on it from the beginning.
  2. Their arrival is nothing more than a carefully conceived plan to conquer the planet SO SLOWLY that we do not notice.
  3. They got us thrown out of paradise.
  4. They have always been able to MANipulate us with sex.
  5. Initially they followed most of our wishes.
  6. Later they would become educated and not do as much for us.
  7. They started to get jobs and earn their own money and did even less for us.
  8. After that they would get to vote and did even less for us.
  9. Later they would hold public office and lead countries and use that as a reason to do even less for us.
  10. Now they are CEO’s telling men what to do both at work and at home.
  11. Many men are now staying at home to raise the children- a job that was once exclusively that of a woman.
  12. Men are no longer running everything.
  13. Soon as women become even more powerful, they may keep the male children from attending school and making money.
  14. At that point in the future women will have completely conquered the planet and men will be just a slave component of the women dominated population across the globe.

GOD; help us.

We know that we are a constant source of disappointment to GOD but the worst thing is that many of us no longer care.

It seems that just as with HIM, we are now a constant source of disappointment to women now as well.

We try very hard but it is never enough.

Could it be that women thought we men would grow faster than we are, and they too have become disappointed with our progress?

Why does everyone seem to want more from us?

Perhaps we should call another general meeting.

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

Talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as HOW NEW THINGS CAN BE YOUR UNDOING.

Kidding aside, while a belief system is a necessary component of your good overall health, you do not have to believe ridiculous STORIES PASSED DOWN VERBALLY FOR GENERATIONS before a WRITER applied his take on them- then a TRANSLATOR- then the final draft was passed along to an EDITOR who was usually by a King or Religious Leader that was PAYING both THE WRITER and TRANSLATOR to stick to their agenda.

Have a good week and go to a House of Worship IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

Pray for my ruination if that helps.

E. A.

Blog 12: Unraveling the mysteries of the Universe.

What if it is not as difficult as we are led to believe?

What if the flip-flop is the key to everything?

Physicists are directed by mathematics that seems to contain a logical consistency within the formulae.  They then attempt to prove their theoretical ideas. Lately, they have had some successes.

But what if the sciences are just a racket?

For the last 3500 years since Mesopotamia, the most brilliant minds pitched the wealthiest people around, usually Kings and Religious Leaders, and played on their FEARS; promising them answers to impossible questions in return for MONEY.

We call this the grant system today.

Paranoid governments fear the other inhabitants of Earth and will pay anything to the person that can offer SECURITY. I guaranty that if you show that you are close to being able to put an energy shield over the USA, you will quickly have incredible amounts of money raining down on your head.

What if THE ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING hinge on just one answer in a different discipline and what if almost nobody is studying that area?

Anthropometry.

 

ALL THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE will be unlocked the day we understand why women need SO MANY SHOES.

It is summer, and with this season comes the clicking of flip-flops. A young girl that could actually run in hers inspired this writer to attempt to motivate the scientific community to make a serious study of this bizarre phenomenon.

Early man learned that foot protection meant that he could hunt and gather in places where others feared injury. He could walk on jagged rocks and fish in coral shallows just by wrapping his feet in the skins of the animals he hunted.

He learned successful hunting strategies:

  • Hunting by stealth meant blending in and not standing out.
  • Sneaking up on your prey meant being quiet.

Women were probably once equal to their mates thousands of years ago when humans were migrating to warmer climates following their food supply. They most likely went hunting and gathering with their mate for mutual advantage. Simply, a pair could hunt better than an individual.

Inequality and glass ceilings did not exist in this period of human history.

That would all come later.

This is the prehistorical life of Oog.

In most cases, the men of the time did notice that their mate could not lift as big a stone as they could. There were other differences too. The biggest being that for about three moons, after three seasons together, her belly swelled and she did not want to travel or hunt until she produced a new little hunter. These new hunters were too noisy to take hunting until many moons had passed.

On some hunting trips Oog would also notice that his hunting partner was looking for prey where he would not think to look. She would stop to smell the prey often near brightly coloured flowers. She would stop and watch brightly coloured flying insects to learn their secrets. She would stop and listen to noise made by a brightly coloured bird. Oog knew that SHE WAS INDEED IN TOUCH WITH POWERFUL MAGIC that was beyond him.

Oog would hunt alone most of the time now, and was not travelling as far as they once did prior to the little hunters. He would arrive back at the cave to find that his hunting partner had been busy. There were hides covering the ground in the cave and she would make him take off his foot-wrappings before he could walk on them- especially when it had been raining. She had brought the brightly coloured flowers into the cave to attract prey so that Oog would not have to travel so far to find food. SHE WAS WISE so he complied with her wishes.

One particular day in Oog’s memory, he returned to the cave to find his hunting partner wearing something other than a foot-wrapping on her feet. She had scraped fallen tree branches on rocks until she had made two small wooden planks the size of her feet. Then she had taken the tip of her spear and spun it until she had made two holes in each plank. Finally she tied strips of hide through the holes creating a loop that was just big enough for her big toe. As she walked they slapped the bottom of her foot and made a clacking sound that was surely designed to ward off dangerous animals. Why else would she have gone to all this trouble? With the top of her foot exposed they were not warm but she could walk over the sharpest coral without cutting through the foot wrappings. Oog decided that this was why she did it and that IT WAS A GOOD THING.

A short time later, she had applied the juices of a plant to the wood and this made them brightly coloured so that her feet would be camouflaged when she hunted in the brightly coloured fields of flowers that she spent so much time in. Oog thought that he must be the most fortunate hunter of all time to have a hunting partner AS SMART AS HIS.

He asked her to make him a pair.

Some moons later she presented him with a set of his own. He put them on and immediately noticed that stepping on a small stone no longer hurt his foot. He squeezed her affectionately as SHE OBVIOUSLY CARED SO MUCH ABOUT HIM that she was trying to take his pain away.

He could not wait to go hunting with them on his feet.

At the earliest light Oog put on his footwear and attempted to run after the prey in the flowery field. After only his second stride, the wooden plank of his right foot caught a tree root- tripped him up and causing him to fall hard to the ground.

His big toe was bleeding.

Undaunted and shaking off the pain in his big toe, Oog began to stalk the prey much more slowly and he was being careful not to make the clacking sound associated with his new foot protection. He snuck up on many prey birds that day and had the most successful hunt ever. His amazing hunting partner had forced him to become a stealthier hunter and it had worked. Oog was beaming with pride in his hunt and IN HIS SELECTION OF A SUCH AN AMAZING MATE; just when a sabre-toothed tiger attacked and killed him. It seems that the killer cat had been following the blood trail from his injured big toe

Oog was the first FLIP-FLOP FATALITY.

His hunting partner would find another mate to wear the flip-flops. He would die at the base of a cliff after losing his footing on some jagged loose stones and falling to his death.

Years later some tribesmen in a hunting party would stumble across Ugg’s skeletonised remains and remove the unusual footwear. The flip-flops were well preserved by the colour applied to the wood. The hunting party, upon returning to the village, would present them to the tribal chief who would wear them proudly. His warriors would have their mates make them some as well to emulate their great chief.

They began to lose many battles after that and they knew not why.

Eventually, all the warriors were all gone and the victors took the women of the village as slaves and mates.

All of those women knew how to make flip-flops and they did not like their conquerors.

Skip ahead 40,000 years to our modern times.

The flip-flop is still with us.

Women continue to love them and some men still attempt to use them- especially now that they come with bottle openers built into their soles.

The flip-flop related fatalities continue as well.

Today, thanks to fashion magazines, yearly changes to seasonal colors drive up the quantity of flip-flops you will find stored throughout your house. Your mate will tell you that some needed replacing because of wear and others were needed to update colours but the collection can grow by as much as ten pairs per year and rarely are any parted with.

Similarly, flats, pumps, runners, boots and the close relative to the flip-flop: the sandal, all apparently require the same upgrading and storage process to await their eventual return to fashion–ability.

Statistics indicate that the average woman owns 21 pairs of footwear. I guess I know above average women. A study also shows that women also own 9 pairs of shoes that were purchased for a singular occasion and these too must be stored for years as a keepsake to remember the event.

From the data collected we can establish the following:

Formula

As this equation clearly indicates, women’s shoes will grow exponentially until they consume the planet, our solar system, our galaxy and finally our universe.

We must stop the threat.

Do not let yourselves be fooled gentlemen; women have been in on it from the beginning.

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

Talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as HOW WOMEN CAN BE YOUR UNDOING.

 

Have a good flip-flop free week.

E. A.

P. S.

I have absolutely no idea if that formula says anything at all; but would it not be amazing if in the moment that I was writing this- the universe spoke to me. I just took a Fourier equation and plugged in the numbers 21 and 9 and then added a well known sorority.

Blog 11: My BIGFOOT Encounters: Three spooky tales for camping out.

Fear not parents; the myth is dispelled at the end so they will go to sleep.

The Bigfoot LEGENDS are told all over the world in remote areas. In North America we mostly call them Bigfoot or Sasquatch as they are known to some ancient native peoples. In snowy mountain ranges as far away as Tibet, they are called Yeti or The Abominable Snowmen.

These creatures are always at eight to ten feet tall, super strong, known for throwing rocks and are capable of driving humans out of their territory- even humans with guns, it is said. Apparently they have a bad pungent odour and make high pitched screams that will make your blood run COLD.

There must be some truth to these stories or else why would grownups keep talking about them for hundreds of years?

Living in Central and Northern Ontario Canada, means that you live among the local wildlife. You get used to birds waking at dawn; the fish feeding on the glassy lake that leave little dorsal fin waves as well as those that create a little surface splash leaving ever expanding ring-waves that mark their location.

The crack of dawn is most likely your last chance to see larger animals as they go into hiding deep in the woods as man gets busy with his day. Around here deer, foxes, rabbits and even moose are commonly seen at that time of the morning.

During the day and not in tourist season, the lake is a playground for aquatic mammals like otters, mink and weasels, foul like ducks, geese and loons and reptiles like frogs and snakes.

But at night, BIG DANGEROUS THINGS are on the prowl. Lions and tigers and bears- well lynx and bobcats and bears at least, with the unproven claims of cougars. Wolves and coyotes should not be forgotten either; nor should potential attackers from above like bats and owls that feed mostly at night. NIGHT-TIME IS WHEN HUMANS SHOULD BE INSIDE. WANDERING OFF ALONE AT NIGHT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA.

On weekends from May to October the number of humans in the area can swell by a multiplication factor of ten. Where there are many humans, there is little wildlife, so you are safer but never totally safe. YOU MUST BE CAUTIOUS- BEING AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS especially when you are camping out in the wilderness and NIGHT COMES.

But if you go deep into the wilderness or are here after tourist season, you can have unexplained encounters with wildlife or something FAR WORSE, and they usually happen when you are ALONE.

Last night I had my third Bigfoot encounter and this was a close one; just fifty feet or fifteen metres away.

It was 9:30 at night and THE AIR WAS DEADLY STILL- meaning that there was no wind to stop me from hearing everything. I live up here year-round so I am used to most of the sounds of the wilderness. There was a clear sky with a half-moon that cast DARK SHADOWS EVERYWHERE.

SUDDENLY in the blackness, I heard a loud KER-PLOOSH and a splash like the sound of giant boulders being thrown into the lake in front of me. I WAS FROZEN WITH FEAR. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up because THIS HAD HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

My first thought was that it could be a bear going after a fish. But only seconds later it happened again. The sound of these huge boulders hitting the water told me that no human or bear could lift them and be throwing them into the lake so fast and so far. This was obviously A HUGE INTELLIGENT CREATURE that did not want me around.

It was time to HIDE INSIDE until whatever it was went away or CAME TO GET ME.

I was lucky that it decided to go away..

I survived the night to tell this tale.

As mentioned, this was not the first time I had encroached on the territory of a BIGFOOT.

A few years ago, I went fishing in the evening on a little secluded lake that does not have any cottages on it. The fishing was good so I did not want to leave, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS GETTING DARK. I built a big campfire at the edge of the lake so I could see better and the fire is SUPPOSED TO keep wild-life from coming too close.

I was concerned about bears being attracted to the fish I had caught and eaten. I did not have a tooth-brush with me and I had heard stories of people being attacked by bears because THEY HAD NOT BRUSHED THEIR TEETH- it is said that a bear could smell their breath.

It was a moonless night so I could not even see my car that was parked just a short way up the road.

Everything became very quiet as though something had scared the birds and frogs into hiding. It was TOO QUIET; EERILY QUIET.

In the BLACKNESS just in front of where my fishing line disappeared in the DARK BLACK NIGHT, I heard something HUGE hit the water with a loud KER-PLOOSH! Although it did not splash me, it sounded very close. I was the only human for miles around and it seemed like something was throwing giant boulders almost all the way across the lake, and THIS THING WAS NOT AFRAID OF THE BIG FIRE I HAD GOING.

I told myself to calm down because a really big fish could have charged out of the water to try and catch a low flying bat or dragonfly and could have made a sound like that when it landed back in the water.

But then it happened again. Now I was SCARED. I did not want to fish anymore. I reeled in as fast as I could, picked up my fish and ran for the car. The boulders were landing every few seconds now SO THERE HAD TO BE MORE THAN ONE CREATURE throwing them. Whatever it was, it could have my container of bait that I left behind on the beach.

At the car, I quickly threw all my stuff, including the fish, inside the car- there was no time to put it in the trunk and then I closed the door as fast as I could. It was then that I had a thought: If these THINGS could throw giant boulders across a lake; then they could destroy a car if they attacked by throwing smaller boulders that would fly further.

There was a big problem. I couldn’t speed away. I HAD NOT PUT THE FIRE OUT.

I would have to go BACK OUT THERE.

I searched the car’s glove box for a flash-light and turned it on, only to find that the batteries were weak and it was producing a dim light. It would have to do. A dim flashlight is better than NO FLASHLIGHT.

I got out of the car, shining the flashlight around frantically at all the nearby trees but it was too weak to light up the area. I quickly retrieved a bucket from the trunk that was intended to hold the fish that was now lying on the front passenger seat. Nervously, I proceeded to make my way back down to the water’s edge and BACK INTO THE RANGE OF THE CREATURES.

It was quiet again; too quiet; eerily quiet; DEAD QUIET.

Just as I had completely doused the fire, THE NEXT ATTACK COMMENCED- but even closer than before and now I was being SPLASHED with water as the boulders continued to land in the water. Whatever it was, it had moved in closer now that the fire was out. I ran for the car and tripped on a tree-root dropping the flash-light. IT WENT OUT!

NOW IN TOTAL BLACKNESS, I had to feel my way ahead and back to the relative safety of the car. If I wandered off the road and into the wilderness I could be LOST FOREVER. I expected to feel a giant fur-covered CREATURE in front of me blocking my path, but instead I banged my knee on the bumper of the car. I quickly got in and drove away- never to return to that lake again; AT NIGHT.

I survived that night to tell this tale.

My very first encounter with a BIGFOOT was the most TERRIFYING of all as you will see.

I had just moved from the city into a friend’s cabin while waiting to get a place of my own. His cabin was on a lake but without any neighbors. It was a long drive on a winding dirt road just to get to a highway and longer still to find other people if YOU WERE IN TROUBLE.

I was getting used to living like people did in the 1800’s. I carried in wood for the fire. I brought water in from the lake for washing and I was catching fish for dinner right off the dock.

It is the dock that is the location of this story, but not for the reason that you might think. Bigfoot would not be throwing boulders this time. This time he would be RIGHT BEHIND ME; waiting for me on the beach while I was TRAPPED ON THE DOCK.

As the sun set, the fishing from the dock was really good; I was catching a fish with almost every cast of my rod.

It quickly became DARK AND FOGGY; a dense soupy fog had rolled in but the fish were still biting and I was having fun SO I STAYED OUT LONGER THAN I SHOULD HAVE. That was my mistake.

Because the fog was so thick and close, I could not even see the shore behind me. I might as well have been on a raft- adrift on a lake in the fog because that it what it felt like. Later, I would wish that I was afloat on a raft and not near shore.

My first WARNING SIGN was the sound of crashing trees up the hill behind the cabin. I thought that it was probably a moose and kept on fishing.

My second WARNING SIGN was the sound of a large animal exhaling and then it made a snorting sound. I was convinced that it was a moose or maybe a bear so I stayed quiet hoping it would wander off.

My third warning SCARED ME TO DEATH. IT WAS A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM followed by a high pitched YIKE, YIKE, YIKE that sounded like it was close to the cabin.

So there I was, with whatever it was, between me and the safety of the cabin. I was TRAPPED ON THE DOCK with nowhere to go except into the cold lake. I would not last long in the frigid water of spring WITHOUT A LIFE-JACKET.

I had a flash-light in my tackle box and found a pair of fishing pliers that I would use for self-defense if this CREATURE came after me.

With the fog, the flash-light beam came to a stop about six feet or two metres away. I worked my way slowly down the dock, hearing every creak of the old boards with each step. I WAS STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS after only a few steps by an awful smell. It was like the smell of honey but not so sweet and nice. It was a sickly sweet smell that seemed to be all around me just hanging in the fog.

THEN THE WORST HAPPENED; the dock boards nearest the shore started to creak with me standing still.

IT WAS COMING FOR ME!

I did the only thing I could think of and tried to communicate with the creature by screaming as loud as I could- and following it with YIKE, YIKE, YIKE. Before too long, the smell went away and I CAREFULLY made my way back into the cabin.

I guess I had said the right thing in its own language. He, she or it never returned.

I survived that night to tell this tale.

(Parents: Keep on reading to teach your kids about fear and how it can be used against you.)

Now here is why stories can scare you:

When it is dark and we can no longer see, we pay more attention to what we hear.

Everything seems louder and bigger and closer.

We let our imaginations get the better of us.

When we encounter something new that we do not understand we are naturally a little afraid of it.

Even grown-ups do this.

It goes back to a time even before our cave-man days when there really were giant creatures trying to get us.

Those early men learned when to fight and when to run and hide and this instinct is still with us to this day.

Now here is how stories can be made to scare us:

FIRST:

You were told that the writer had encountered a Bigfoot in the title but did he?

NO.

He HEARD things, SMELLED something and even was SPLASHED by something but did he ever see it?

NO.

SECOND:

You were told about a legend. A legend is just a story or tale that SOUNDS REAL. We call it fiction. There has never been ANY scientific proof found that proves the existence of a Bigfoot.

THIRD:

The writer began to scare you with CREEPY WORDS like: snakes, big dangerous things, lions, tigers, bears, cougars, wolves, bats, owls and how they come out at night.

FORTH:

The writer TOLD YOU that this was the third time he had run into Bigfoot so you thought it could be true.

FIFTH:

In the first story, the writer used more SCARY WORDS like: alone, the air was deadly still, dark shadows everywhere and suddenly in the blackness.

You were told A GROWN-UP WAS SCARED AND WENT TO HIDE but nothing actually came to get him did it?

NO.

Did he ever see any giant boulders?

NO.

He just HEARD SOMETHING that his imagination associated with that sound.

With all three stories he tells you HE SURVIVED THE NIGHT to tell you the tale.

SIXTH:

In the second story, the writer told us to build a fire because HE WAS AFRAID OF ANIMALS.

He used lots of SCARY WORDS: he told us a story he had only HEARD about bears so we don’t know if it is true.

HE SCARED US WITH WORDS like: no moonlight, eerily quiet, dark black night, something huge, he was alone and scared and something was not afraid of fire.

The writer told us there must be more than one creature throwing rocks to play on our FEAR OF BEING OUT-NUMBERED.

He could not run away. HE HAD TO FACE HIS FEAR. All that happened was he got splashed.

He tripped because he was scared. He broke his flashlight and imagined bumping into a fury creature but did he?

NO.

He just bumped into his own car.

SEVENTH:

THE WRITER SCARED US SOME MORE, talking about being alone and far away from people.

He used words like: right behind me, trapped, dark, foggy, could not see, boards creaking and a bad smell.

Did the writer ever see an animal or creature?

NO!

So why did he make up a scary story?

Scary stories can be exciting and fun if we DO NOT BELIEVE TOO MUCH OF A STORY.

Here is the true story behind all three tales that are not as exciting.

While startled and leaving after the KER-PLOOSH sounds began , mostly because it would scare the fish away, the writer looked up what he had heard and found out that beavers do this when you are too close to their lodge.

So in stories one and two there were not any Bigfoot monsters with giant boulders; only beavers using their tails.

In the last story, a moose came through the forest crashing trees and we know this because the writer found tracks the following day.

The horrible scream COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING from a barn owl to raccoons fighting to a lynx or bobcat or possibly even a fox.

The huffing, the loud exhale sound and the bad smell was most likely a bear attracted by the smell of the fish he had caught.

The writer now knows that if you are going to fish after dark you should do it wearing a life jacket with a fire on the shore or better still fish from a boat.

Now he always brushes his teeth before going to sleep in a tent.

WE ARE ONLY AFRAID OF THINGS THAT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND, whether it is animals or people from different countries.

A note from the Author to parents:

Please do not help to make your children live in fear.

There are trying times ahead for future generations and we must stop passing our more ridiculous fears along to our children.

Being afraid to go into a lake is ridiculous.

Being afraid of thunder and lightning is ridiculous.

Being terrified of anything is ridiculous.

HAVING RESPECT FOR THE POWER OF NATURE IS PRUDENT.

Do not create people with irrational fears who put rubber boots on the posts of a bed and then hide under it in a lightning storm.

Your children learn how to manage fear from you.

How you handle your fears will have a directly impact on them.

If you fear something, research it.

Knowledge is the key to overcoming fear.

E. A. Barker