I TOTALLY get why people read escapist fiction.

Nonfiction blows sometimes.

adult book boring face
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I am a seeker. I read nonfiction to find answers to big questions.

One big question of many that perplex me when it comes to the State of Israel and Jewish people is: Why are 14.2 million people more newsworthy in the West than the other 6.86 billion people of the world? Is there more to this than media control, ownership, or the claimed disproportionate number of Jewish people working in Western media? I don’t know. When I don’t know something, I read, and keep on reading until I find answers. This tiny segment of the world’s population endlessly reminds us of their stories of persecution; some of these stories are based on historically documented facts, while others have so little empirical evidence they border on the mythological. A media spotlight affords a tiny state some protection from transgressors, but in doing so, it can also cast a shadow on any freshly dug graves.

If you want to truly get a handle on a culture, you must dive into their indoctrinations.

The world’s religions mastered indoctrination long ago, so this, I thought, would be a good area to acquire a better grasp of a people without diving into the more volatile areas of politics and economics.

Yesterday’s read began with enthusiasm as I found a book which was touted to be: A Guide to Jewish Wisdom; something that appealed to me on a couple of different levels even though I am not Jewish, and have—putting it mildly—a general dislike of almost all religions for their exploitive,  for-profit business model which excludes aid to anyone who is not a paying customer. Firstly, this book appealed to the researcher inside me as I am usually forced to open dozens of books over several days just to find puzzle pieces which I then have to make notes on and later assemble into something that makes sense. It’s a good day when you find an author who has done all the work for you. Secondly, I have not given Judaism its due, relative to the volume of reading I have done on all of the larger religions. Oh sure I have skimmed the Tanakh and read the greatest hits of the Torah in my fact-finding missions to compare stories from other religions, but I really did not have a “feel” for this group’s beliefs. I really hoped this book on the mystical side of Judaism: Kabbalah, would give me a better understanding of the big picture.

A great many authors should thank their lucky stars I don’t publish reviews or ratings below three stars on a five star scale.

This book dodged a bullet. When we choose a nonfiction book to read, we are encouraged to pay attention to the credentials of the author as though only a credentialed person can put forth a valid thought—or so the publishing world a.k.a. print media would have us believe. The author is a Rabbi and an educational psychologist so I expected a balance of theology with logic and reason. What I got was a heavy dose of mysticism, magic, and the supernatural with a smattering of references to empirical research that, at best, offered a weak endorsement of how the magic worked. The spiritual mumbo jumbo, of course, told the believer how to think and live “correctly”:

‘You must be a giving person.’

In fact, there was an entire paragraph on how to appropriately greet and compensate a Kabbalist or Hassidic rebbe if you were ever fortunate enough to garner their attention.

‘You must not be an egotist.’

And yet the author saw fit to publish a photo of himself with the Dali Lama instead of one where he was feeding or counseling “displaced” Palestinian children.

In fairness, I expect hypocrisy in all books from theologians, however once you strip away the nonsense, there were about fifty pages of good reading where the author succinctly explained: The Ten Sefirot, the meaning of the Star of David, and he interpreted a number of commonly used Jewish religious terms while passing along some insights into Judaic “philosophy”. The book was just 200 pages so I’ll give it a 1.25 star rating.

Every book will give you something.

What did I learn? Nothing Earth shattering, but it would appear that Judaism:

  • Is a very complex belief system which requires significant interpretation.
  • Has a significant number of teachings related to self.
  • Places women closer to men in terms of equality.
  • Has roots in Zoroastrianism.
  • Is open to different planes of existence, science, and multiple universes.
  • Believes they have all the answers.
  • Believes Hebrew is the Holy tongue—necessary to enter a higher reality.
  • Believes their religious men are above the average follower.
  • Believes the Torah contains a hidden spiritual code supported by mathematics.
  • Codify beliefs into law in much the same way Muslims do.

This lacklustre book did however point me at a new target of inquiry. It seems that in the 1700’s a scholastic elite were the only ones with access to Jewish literary works. This wreaks of potential tampering akin to Constantine or King James. I’ll let you know if anything interesting turns up once I have chased down this lead.

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Blog 14: What really went down in The Garden of Eden?

Preface:

Over 2000 YEARS have passed since the death of Christ.

IT SHOULD NOT BE NECESSARY that I should have to put a warning label on a blog that is written to entertain.

REALLY?

However, there are a great many people in the world that cling to dogmatic religious beliefs without questioning the author, translator and presenter of their chosen book of faith. That is their right. Hopefully these people are GOD fearing and do good deeds in order to have a nice afterlife.

Religion is arguably better than substance abuse for escapists.

Acts of religious terrorism aside, you never hear about a person drunk on religious fervour crashing into a school bus full of kids.

I have a private spiritual side to my being. It need not be discussed. I do not require you to believe as I do in order for you to be one of my readers.

Anyone who has read any of my previous stuff knows that I embrace satire. It is what I do. I seek to see humour and spread laughter wherever possible and I understand that not everyone gets the joke.

Just the other day a neighbor down the street had an underground water pipe burst that was bubbling to the surface. I teased her by saying that she had the lawnmower set too low and I was going to have to tell the owner. She did not get it. I had to explain it to her.

satire  noun  1 ridicule, irony or sarcasm in speech or writing.

WARNING: This blog is not for religious fanatics nor is it for people that do not understand and appreciate satirical witticisms.

I am totally throwing this out there based on distant memories from my childhood Sunday school classes. I will not fact check this ridiculous story so if it is misquoted; SO BE IT!

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

 


In the beginning GOD created the heavens and the Earth and they were good.

Next, HE created man in his own image.

After six days of hard work, HE took a day off. He deserved it.

So we know for sure that men were here first. We also presume that we lived a very long time- nearly immortal living pain free in the Garden’s disease free environment where entropy was somehow slowed way down.

So what would the life of a man be like in such Utopian conditions?

For sure there would be gambling, scotch and cigars.

The things between our legs were just used for urinating.

Men would gather to play cards, drink whiskey and smoke each evening after a day of eating a nearly vegetarian- if not vegan diet of everything that one could want; EXCEPT APPLES!

We were told not to touch those and we were good with the rules as back then, as when we talked to GOD, HE answered us. Who knows, maybe HE sat in on poker night occasionally when HE was not that busy.

I am not certain if fish and bread were on the menu yet.

Smoking and drinking did not hurt us back then.

Years, perhaps even centuries passed this way and we created all the various art forms and practised the ones that THE MAKER had intended for us. HE enjoyed our finished works but as time continued to roll on, you could see HE was getting bored with us. HE would not pop in as often and did not get as excited about our works and stories as HE once did.

Perhaps HE thought we would grow faster as a species than we were and HE was disappointed with our progress.

We men are not as oblivious to the feelings of others as some may think.

We were concerned about this development and called a general meeting to get some ideas as to how we might shake things up for GOD. HE was a cool guy who was really smart. HE could answer any question and we wanted HIM around.

Here was our problem at this point in history:

  1. The sculptors had sculpted everything in The Garden.
  2. The builders had built everything imaginable with the materials available in The Garden.
  3. The artists had painted everything in The Garden.
  4. The musicians had created every note and played every combination of notes.
  5. The writers had written every story of life in The Garden.

We were stumped.

Not a single guy at the meeting could come up with something truly new and exciting.

What would happen next would change all that.

It is not clear if HE had a divine influence in these events or if they happened when HE was not paying attention.

The Adam’s Rib Story just does not hold water, but it is a great rib joint. The talking serpent is a little farfetched too.

One day, a large flying craft that was not a bird, landed in The Garden. It was made of something not found in The Garden. We were all very curious as this NEW THING could be the answer to our concerns. Men from all over The Garden gathered to view this new thing and apply their talents to the inspiration it offered us.

After only a short time, a door opened and out came beings that were similar to us but different.

THEY CALLED THEMSELVES WOMEN and explained that they had come to The Garden from the neighboring planet of Venus.

They were prettier than us. They smelled better than us and for reasons that I cannot explain, suddenly we were more interested in them than poker night.

Note to self, ask GOD what a planet is?

The only concern we had was that they came from OUTSIDE of The Garden but so did GOD and HE was cool.

They showed us many new and wonderful things. Especially nice was another thing to do with the stuff between our legs. Now the dangly part would actually point to them. They made us feel very good- even better than before.

They asked us about the apples and could not understand why we would not touch them.

They were not afraid of GOD and did not seem to know HIM.

They ate the apples and nothing bad seemed to happen when they did. They talked most of us into eating them too.

For some reason these women were able to get us to do just about anything that they desired.

Note to self, ask GOD why we wish to please women like we once tried to please HIM?

The answer to that one came to me all by myself. Women were easier to please than HE is and they stay around.  They liked our works and everything about us was new to them. They were excited by us and not bored; at least not yet.

GOD eventually stuck HIS head in- appearing tired from building universes, whatever they were, and looking to unwind with the boys but some of our poker buddies did not show up.

GOD asked why and we told HIM all about the women and the apple tree and I asked HIM what planets and universes were. HE stood up, threw the poker table across the room and left without answering my question.

This was upsetting to those of us that were there. We had never seen HIM angry before.

We figured that HE would eventually cool down and come back; after all we had been buds for centuries.

BOY, WERE WE WRONG!

HE came back as mad as ever and booted us out of paradise.

HE used a new word that day watching us go forth to multiply in what sounded like a warning and these were HIS final words as we left. He said: “Be careful of MANipulation my little brothers.”

We did not know what that meant and we had no one to ask except the women.

At least HE let us keep the women.


So here is how things have gone for men ever since:

  1. We age and die way faster now.
  2. GOD has not visited since.
  3. He may be listening, but he never answers anymore.
  4. We miss him.
  5. Women can make us feel good for a short time but we used to feel good ALL THE TIME in The Garden.
  6. We have defined the word manipulation but we still do not see it until it is too late.
  7. We kill our fellow man now. That never used to happen. Men do this often in the name of GOD but we know HE never wanted this.
  8. We have gone forth and multiplied so much that the planet will soon be at risk but at least we have figured out what planets and universes are.
  9. We get drunker now than when we were in The Garden and now we get hangovers.
  10. Scotch and cigars can kill us now but we continue to use them.

Here is the conspiracy theory version of events:

  1. Women have been in on it from the beginning.
  2. Their arrival is nothing more than a carefully conceived plan to conquer the planet SO SLOWLY that we do not notice.
  3. They got us thrown out of paradise.
  4. They have always been able to MANipulate us with sex.
  5. Initially they followed most of our wishes.
  6. Later they would become educated and not do as much for us.
  7. They started to get jobs and earn their own money and did even less for us.
  8. After that they would get to vote and did even less for us.
  9. Later they would hold public office and lead countries and use that as a reason to do even less for us.
  10. Now they are CEO’s telling men what to do both at work and at home.
  11. Many men are now staying at home to raise the children- a job that was once exclusively that of a woman.
  12. Men are no longer running everything.
  13. Soon as women become even more powerful, they may keep the male children from attending school and making money.
  14. At that point in the future women will have completely conquered the planet and men will be just a slave component of the women dominated population across the globe.

GOD; help us.

We know that we are a constant source of disappointment to GOD but the worst thing is that many of us no longer care.

It seems that just as with HIM, we are now a constant source of disappointment to women now as well.

We try very hard but it is never enough.

Could it be that women thought we men would grow faster than we are, and they too have become disappointed with our progress?

Why does everyone seem to want more from us?

Perhaps we should call another general meeting.

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

Talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as HOW NEW THINGS CAN BE YOUR UNDOING.

Kidding aside, while a belief system is a necessary component of your good overall health, you do not have to believe ridiculous STORIES PASSED DOWN VERBALLY FOR GENERATIONS before a WRITER applied his take on them- then a TRANSLATOR- then the final draft was passed along to an EDITOR who was usually by a King or Religious Leader that was PAYING both THE WRITER and TRANSLATOR to stick to their agenda.

Have a good week and go to a House of Worship IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

Pray for my ruination if that helps.

E. A.