Get caught up on my latest relationship misadventure over on my book’s site.

This week on my Ms. Creant blog, I show how our social media walls can reveal a great deal about what we are feeling.

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Waiting is the worst!

 

photo of a woman thinking
Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

They say “No news is good news.”

I disagree. Not knowing fosters anxiety even in a guy like me who is wildly over self-examined. You receive a cryptic message about an emergency situation telling you they will get in touch as soon as more information is available. You wait; all the while consciously trying not to think the worst, but as the hours pass you inevitably let your guard down allowing the darkest possible outcomes to play out in your mind.

Times like these test your beliefs. As my handful of readers already know, I am not religiously inclined, and I have attempted to shed almost all beliefs—viewing them as traps which serve no other purpose than to allow us to be manipulated, usually through fear. I no longer fear for myself, but I do fear for others; especially those close to me. After ten hours of checking my phone, I did something that helped to ease my mind which could be labelled in a number of different ways depending on the beliefs of the person applying the label. I looked at the sky and thought:

‘Please, let them be okay.’

Most would call this praying. A far smaller number would say I was putting positive energy into the universe to create a desired outcome. For me, it was merely a mental exercise to firstly accept a situation that was outside of my control, and secondly, a way to master my anxiety once again. I never say there is no God or gods. Instead, I leave room for the possibility. While I would like to think we live in a deterministic universe where we each have free will and where, if we channel our collective energies in a particular direction, we can control destiny or fate. Sadly, thus far at least, there is no absolute proof of this one either. What I find fascinating at times like this is I am willing to give them a go without any belief in them. My “Leave no rock unturned.” approach may be the reason. If it can’t hurt and could help then why not?

Studies into prayer and meditation show the human brain behaves very differently when we partake in these activities, indicating there is “something to them”. Maybe we level up our consciousness, or maybe we just reduce our brain activity to a level where we find clarity; where we can accept that some things are outside of our control, and where we can let go of our irrational fears. After all, it is fear that spawns our worries, and it is the quantity of those worries we created in our head which can lead us into full-blown anxiety.

Some would say my “prayer” was answered.

I will not and cannot allow this label to be applied to my story, for if I do, I would become narrow or closed-minded with a singular viewpoint, and I like to think I have outgrown being that guy.

Why choose black or white when there is so much gray area to be explored?

It took two more hours of waiting, but the news I finally received was not terrible. Did God intervene at my request? Not likely. Did I use my incredible mind powers to have the universe alter our reality? I seriously doubt it. So what did happen then?

Life happened.

Things are not in our control. They never have been throughout recorded history. Everything is temporary, including each of us. The control freaks who rise to power and prominence do so by having a narrow focus. It serves them for a while, but historically, it inevitably leads to their demise because a time ALWAYS comes when they need to consider possibilities outside of their doctrine. We see maniacal despots in the media each day who are single-mindedly hell-bent on creating division and hatred everywhere they can. They only have power over the closed-minded, and this is why they work so hard at recruiting or creating the like-minded.

Avoid choosing a side because neither side can see the other possibilities.

It’s been a rough year, so why should December be any different? However, today’s news was not as bad as some of the outcomes from my anxiety based mental conjuring. For this I am grateful. As we enter the holiday season, I hope you and yours are safe, healthy, and happy. If you fall into this lucky group, please take a moment to realize how lucky you are. Not everyone is as lucky as you. Life really is about luck, and the funny thing about luck is it can change in the blink of an eye.

P.S.

If you know someone who espouses the notion that we make our own luck, remind them that while hard work and focus can help them climb the ladder of success, only a healthy person can cling to the rungs.

Happy Holidays.

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Your Beliefs Create Your Reality: Part 6

Coping with Uncertainty.

What we believe is a choice, BUT we are not taught this.

When we are old enough to grasp the idea, we are told we have free will which allows us to make our own choices, BUT by that point we have already spent years being indoctrinated into the beliefs of our parents, the culture of our forefathers, and the society in which we live. All too often, the beliefs imparted to us by these three influences are not in agreement. This creates uncertainty in an individual who is trying to establish an identity of their own, BUT their emerging identity is not their own. It was supplied to them by those who disseminate INFORMATION from a position of authority who we are told we should respect. Parents, religious leaders, educators, doctors, the Internet, the media, and government leaders all influence the thoughts of young minds that are trying to establish for themselves what is true, BUT truth is a fallacy and nobody tells us this. There are things currently thought to be true which are passed along to us, BUT there are few real truths which we are privy to.

A truth is a belief supported by evidence and what is thought to be known, a.k.a. facts.

The problem is, all beliefs require a leap of logic which is often referred to as faith.

If we were to teach this simple idea globally, we would end the dark age which has been with our current incarnation of humanity for the last five thousand years. The age of enlightenment, that so many of us crave, begins with a fundamental shift in what we are willing to accept as being true from all the other flawed humans who disseminate information to us.

If we are cautious as to what we allow ourselves to believe, then we can resist indoctrination, and the thought control it represents.

To reach an age of enlightenment we must develop a heightened awareness which means we must see things as they are, and not as we would like them to be. Our propensity for denial, and our dismissive nature that was taught to us, must be replaced with open-mindedness and deep rational thought.

We must question everything we are told to believe that came from a source outside of our own experience.

Our parents were flawed, BUT we usually did not begin to see this until many years passed where we clung to every word they spoke. The INFORMATION they supplied us with helped to form our earliest beliefs. Most of us begin to see that our parents make mistakes, get their facts wrong at times, and are hypocritical at least occasionally. This creates a modicum of skepticism in our young minds the next time they lecture us about something they believe to be important. Our uncertainty began at home.

Religions are flawed because almost all of them have abandoned or corrupted—through interpretation and rationalizations—the good messages of their prophet(s). Most of the top twelve most popular religions have leaders who are a part of a system which is designed to profit from our fear of the unknown. They never give back as much as they receive, and some are wealthy beyond imagination. Many actively promote division from those who do not believe exactly as they do and sexism; while the worst endorse racism and violence or advocate ownership of weapons of violence. They supply us with INFORMATION which we are told to accept without question to prove we are faithful. Many of our beliefs came from a childhood which included religious indoctrination, BUT when we begin to see hypocrisy and inequality within our house of worship, it creates uncertainty that can lead to a crisis of faith in us. If this has happened to you, all you need to do is get back to basics. We are all completely capable of understanding messages of peace and love spoken by the prophets of every religion. We do not need a religious leader to explain peace and love to us. We do not have to be sheep led by a shepherd in order to be believers.

Our education systems are flawed and getting worse. We know this is due to budgetary cutbacks, which are seemingly always on the rise, BUT there are also teachers who believe they have the right to impart their flawed personal beliefs to their students. Many of our beliefs are created by our early years spent in school before the age where we could see a teacher as just another flawed human. Textbooks are out of date and academia is slow to advance new findings, however unimpeachable, which challenge long held beliefs. Students are required to absorb and regurgitate this questionable INFORMATION, learning only to accept or reject facts based on an authoritative source without ever thinking about alternative possibilities or delving deeper into the topic. Uncertainty is created when students find out what they were taught is no longer true. Indoctrination is alive and well in higher education too, where new INFORMATION must be approved for publication by peers who are afraid of upsetting those who fund research. Knowledge is completely controlled by those who supply funding. It appears the so-called elites wish to create and maintain a knowledge gap between what they know and what we are allowed to know. This would explain the budgetary cutbacks in public education. A stupid populace is more easily led. Do not cling too tightly to facts you were given in school. My 1960’s era Encyclopedia Britannica is only good for its old book smell, its ability to flatten a curled piece of paper, and a good laugh when researching anything scientific.

People with credentials are flawed. If doctors were perfect, there would be no need for malpractice insurance. Fact: According to the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), medical negligence is the third leading cause of death in the U.S.—right behind heart disease and cancer. In 2012, over $3 billion was spent in medical malpractice payouts. So unless your doctor graduated at the top of his or her class and possesses an eidetic memory, they are flawed; despite the air of arrogance their indoctrination taught them to exhibit. For the sake of your health and that of your family, you need to be uncertain of the INFORMATION you receive. Whether you are dealing with a M.D. or a PHD working with genetically modified organisms, vaccines or cancer treatments, you cannot completely believe what they have to say until you verify who signs their paychecks.

The Internet is a good thing—the last bastion of truth—it cannot be flawed . . . right? If this were so, why did the military industrial complex a.k.a  DARPA give us a billion dollar system free of charge? Fact: The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is an agency of the U.S. Department of Defense in charge of development of emerging technologies for use by the military. Digital communications are a way for you to be known and compartmentalized by all manner of databases that are available to a host of security agencies. These agencies want to know everything about everyone; especially problem children like me who would undermine their authority if we only knew how. The primary purpose of the Internet, aside from creating yet another distraction to tie up the populace, is to create doubt through disinformation practices. By spreading uncertainty, the public puppets controlled by the-powers-that-be create anxiety and fear in the majority of the indoctrinated sheep living within any country. If one thousand scientists say global warming is real, the puppeteers, who wish to maintain the status quo, can put up their own bought-and-paid-for findings to create doubt. Where there is doubt, there will be endless debate without resolution in the on-line community, and the powers-that-be achieve their goal of maintaining the status quo. Did you know smart phones, computers, and smart TV’s are not necessarily off when you power down? It has been proven you can still be tracked, listened to or even watched when these devices are off. Cover cameras and disconnect your Internet cable when not in use. Just how much of your personal information is stored? Buy a new smart phone and magically all your old photos will arrive to your new phone. “The cloud” contains everything you ever communicated or shared on-line. The Internet is a means of controlling INFORMATION to keep sweeping change from happening.

It is the devil’s pipeline of lost souls . . . if you believe in such things.

The media creates uncertainty by supplying INFORMATION that is flawed. It is often poorly sourced, poorly researched, poorly fact checked, and fake news items are becoming more and more frequent. News stories which do not further the agenda of the-powers-that-be are no longer considered “newsworthy”. Omission of INFORMATION is their primary means of manipulation and control of the thoughts reaching a populace. They spread stories perpetuating fear, anxiety, and even hate twenty-four hours a day, because a frightened anxious populace is easier to manipulate into sanctioning retaliatory violence, preemptive violence or even a declaration of all out war. We no longer are shown the destruction our countries military forces are inflicting on less militarily capable countries, and we are never shown civilian targets that were destroyed based on military intelligence INFORMATION.

There is a great deal of uncertainty created by the leaders of most countries these days. Many of these world leaders are exceedingly flawed, and some overtly show off just how damaged they are.  Our democracies are not completely dead. We hold elections. We appear to have a choice of parties. The leaders change frequently. Politicians are, technically speaking, duly elected to lead a party, BUT they are approved and nominated by people within the party with influence a.k.a. special interest groups and the-powers-that-be. As divided as our primary liberal and conservative elements seem to be, they do have one thing in common. They are both equally backed by the-powers-that-be representatives working inside each party. The title of government leader is now a misnomer because the faces we associate with leadership are just marionettes.

The 26th U.S. president, Theodore Roosevelt made this statement about the secret government stating, “”Behind the ostensible government sits enthroned an invisible government owing no allegiance and acknowledging no responsibility to the people.””

It appears the-powers-that-be existed before America ramped up for production of weapons in WWII creating the military industrial complex.

Dwight D. Eisenhower warned us in his 1961 speech: “”In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.”” “”We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.””

We should have taught this in schools, BUT the-powers-that-be did not want this. In 2017, we now take everything for granted and our citizenry is oblivious and being dumbed down.

Just two years later JFK would be assassinated. Some say he was killed because he wanted to create a more transparent government with oversight.

The Washington Post reported a black budget of “$52.6 billion was set aside for operations in fiscal year 2013. The CIA, NSA and National Reconnaissance Office (NRO) receive more than 68 percent of the black budget. The National Geo-spatial Intelligence Program’s (NGP) budget has grown over 100 percent since 2004.”

A black budget covers expenses related to military research and covert operations, often without government oversight. The figures shown do not factor in corporate and private money invested in black projects beyond the intelligence agency arena and into space and technology. Some projections are as high as 1.3 trillion dollars—this represents +/- 30% of the entire US economy. The-powers-that-be take from the citizens of the US and other Western countries and then tell us to f@ck off when we want to know how OUR money is being spent. They cite matters of national security to make us go away.

Ethan Wolff-Mann wrote in time.com’s Money Section in an article titled: 7 Amazing Things America Could Have Bought Instead of a $1.45 Trillion Jet: “The F-35 project has been one of the most expensive military projects in history, and will cost upwards of $1.45 trillion by the time it’s over.”

It was this article that prompted this long winded journey. Canada had signed up to purchase this plane even though it does not have the speed or range to be an effective interceptor, nor does it feature the dual engines needed for reliable arctic patrol work. I questioned why Canada had even entertained it, aside from its F/A designation. We need a new multi-role fighter but the F35 is not it. My journey began by asking: Just who is capable of exerting enough pressure for us to make such a bad purchase? Fortunately, our current administration scrapped the F35 purchase, for the time being at least. There is absolutely nothing about this plane which justifies a number in the trillions. We must ask:

If all that money was not spent on this plane, then where did it go?

This is the aviation equivalent to a $1000.00 toilet seat.

In 2008, Barack Obama promised the most transparent administration in U.S. history. “No more secrecy,” he said. “That is a commitment that I make to you.”

Jun 2, 2015 – The USA Freedom Act is modified and signed by President Barack Obama. It essentially continued the Patriot Act which empowered the the secret keepers a.k.a. the FIVE intelligence gatherers and their TWELVE “active” partners to do what they do without being bothered by the administration.

Prior to being elected on Oct 20, 2015, Justin Trudeau promises to repeal ‘problematic elements’ of surveillance Bill C-51.

June 2017, The “anti-terrorism” legislation which resulted in huge protests, petitions, and condemnation from academics, remains in place while discussions take place over the summer.

It appears that both North American leaders ran out of leash when it came to confronting the-powers-that-be about secrecy and intelligence gathering matters.

Who are their masters? I am still working that out for myself, BUT we can definitely begin with the heads of:

  • Office of the Director of National Intelligence
  • Independent agencies
    • Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
  • United States Department of Defense
    • Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA)
    • National Security Agency (NSA)
    • National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA)
    • National Reconnaissance Office (NRO)
    • Twenty-Fifth Air Force (25 AF)
    • Military Intelligence Corps (MI)
    • Marine Corps Intelligence Activity (MCIA)
    • Office of Naval Intelligence (ONI)
  • United States Department of Energy
    • Office of Intelligence and Counterintelligence (OICI)
  • United States Department of Homeland Security
    • Office of Intelligence and Analysis (I&A)
    • Coast Guard Intelligence (CGI)
  • United States Department of Justice
    • Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
    • Office of National Security Intelligence (ONSI)
  • United States Department of State
    • Bureau of Intelligence and Research (INR)
  • United States Department of the Treasury
    • Office of Terrorism and Financial Intelligence (TFI)

We can unequivocally state the masters are male.

They support and wish to maintain a patriarchy which has existed for at least 3000 years.

I find it both hilarious and disturbing that despite this massive effort to allegedly keep the populace safe, we are less safe than ever before. It leads one to believe they are not spending our tax dollars on security at all, and possibly, it is these agencies themselves that are creating security threats to justify their existence.

AND . . . what if these guys are just puppets too?

Is there a throne?

(Hint: I do like some of the dot connections made by some of the more intelligent conspiracy theorists, but I am still resistant to alien overlords as the answer. 😀 )

Coping in an uncertain world requires awareness.

I research things, often historical in nature, to piece together a portion of a very big puzzle. By asking big questions like: Who are we? Where do we come from? What is our history? The few truths you find allow you to view only a tiny piece of the immense puzzle. You can guess at what the complete puzzle shows, but that just makes you a conspiracy theorist. Instead, find what factual accounts you can from good sources, and let them lead you not to a rigid belief, but to a possibility which inspires others to pick up where you left off.

Good hunting.

 

Your Beliefs Create Your Reality: Part 1

America:

Division and the Falsehood of a Polarized Populace:

Throughout your entire life, you have been hearing about the futility of bucking the system. ‘You can’t fight City Hall.” are words we all have heard more than once. When we hear things again and again, we start to BELIEVE them. This causes you to accept this as a truism—a truth which is undeniable—so you, like your parents, teachers and role models, knuckle under and go with the flow, seeking what little happiness you can find in your short time here. IT IS BRAINWASHING designed to promote apathy. Conformists will tell you that everything I have ever stated here, or in some other writing, is an oversimplification of the problems which exist in America. In  doing this, they further the cause of apathy which is designed to maintain the status quo and to make you BELIEVE that change is too difficult and not worth the grief.

Change is not only achievable but simple if you BELIEVE it is possible.

When the media shows you examples of political activists from all over the world being arrested and wrongfully sentenced to ridiculously long periods of incarceration which do not justly fit their crimes, they are reinforcing the idea that you are better off towing the line. Meanwhile, the same media will, at best, dedicate only a few seconds of coverage from places like Standing Rock which clearly shows huge numbers of peaceful protesters rising up against the broken system. THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR IS NOT TO BE ENCOURAGED so they do not show it.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/indigenous/social-media-standing-rock-bridge-1.3861014

Again, this same media will spend a great deal of time with in-depth coverage of anything that can divide Americans. Fear mongering topics like race and religion are always top stories, followed closely by guns, abortion etc. NEVER DO THEY COVER WHAT AMERICANS NEED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION TO.

Topics like:

  • How the military industrial complex receives more tax dollars than education.
  • How the big pharmaceutical companies are charging many times more in America than anywhere else in the world.
  • How big oil and gas companies are reckless in their pursuit of new reserves to the detriment of safe drinking water and clean soil which sustain your food supply.
  • How none of the above pay taxes.
  • How endless cuts to social programs have historically always led to civil unrest and/or a society being plunged into chaos.

It is long overdue for Americans to decide on and BELIEVE in real lasting change.

  • Are you willing to continue to sacrifice the lives of your sons and daughters in the name of patriotism, in wars that do not bring prosperity, as the world’s policemen?
  • Are you willing to:continue to lose your loved ones just because you could not afford the necessary treatments?
  • Are you willing to pay the added costs to import all your drinking water and food?
  • Are you willing to continue to be thought of as a backward easily manipulated people?

If this is not your idea of a great nation, then there is something you can do about it, and it will not require a violent overthrow of your government.

Looking for commonality instead of difference is the key to the creation of a new political party which puts the needs of every American before all other concerns.

How to build a new political party quickly:

  1. There are Republicans who are ashamed of their party’s leadership. REACH OUT TO THEM and invite them to talks. THEY ARE READY FOR CHANGE!
  2. There are Democrats who do not like their party’s ties to Wall Street. Invite them to talks. THEY ARE READY FOR CHANGE!
  3. Create a grass roots platform of “… by the people, for the people.” where the party’s position on hotly contested issues are answered simply with: We will let the people of America decide this. Reform through referendum, accountability, and transparency, is a platform which can attract the best and brightest to the cause.If only 20% of card carrying Republicans and Democrats are willing to commit, you have a foundation for a new national Republicratic party. (Demolican? You might want to work on better names.)
  4. By speaking of equality, it will take little to bring the female vote here—especially after this current administration—but YOU MUST BEGIN BY REACHING OUT TO THE WOMEN OF AMERICA NOW to enlist their participation and support. Also in this fearful group are people of different ethnic backgrounds and people of non-Christian religious faiths. THEY ARE READY FOR CHANGE!
  5. Only 58% of eligible voters voted in 2016. There were abstainers on both sides who could not in good conscience vote for the presidential candidates their parties endorsed. There has always been about 25% of eligible voters who do not show up to the polls. They have been waiting for this party. REACH OUT TO THEM and invite them to talks. THEY ARE READY FOR CHANGE!

Fear is created where the seeds of ignorance are sown.

Let’s imagine you are just Joe or Jo Average American. You lead a busy life and may not follow politics or have any interest in becoming involved. You do your civic duty by voting and that is about it. This is completely okay. If you work and pay taxes, you are a model citizen. You watch the news and are worried by what you see happening elsewhere in your country. You probably wonder how long before it hits close to home. Creating this fear in you is the desired response of these news stories. You will willingly go along with any solution that the government claims will keep you and your family safe—including giving up some of your freedoms.

Statistics claim that 40% of Americans go to a house of worship every week, but the numbers vary wildly by state and by the type of religion. For the sake of this point, we are lumping you in with the devout.

So what can an average American do to keep their town safe from the coming anarchy?

  • Get guns? No.
  • Store up water and provisions? Not a bad precaution, but no.
  • Form a militia? You are getting warm, but no.

The answer is to reinforce your community.

  • Concrete barricades and bunkers? No.
  • Machine gun emplacements? No.

community   noun   Fellowship, being alike in some way.

Just about everyone living in your community is ALIKE in that you all share the same fears of violence and persecution. You must REACH OUT to everyone in your community that you have been conditioned to fear. Believe me, they have been conditioned to fear you too.

Only through communication can a safe community be created.

Not fearing your neighbors is a beginning.

  • Church groups can be formed and plans made to visit all the different houses of worship in your community. In doing this, you begin to tear down the myths and stereotypes spun in the media about people whose BELIEFS are not as different from your own as you might think. Takes on religious stories aside, they want peace, safety and security for their families too. It is almost guaranteed you will receive a warm welcome, and you might make some new friends in these travels.
  • Joining local business associations is another way to get to know members of your community. Again, sharing concerns about the security of your businesses can make for some commonality among business owners in your community.
  • Joining the PTA or being a part of after school programs is a great way to get to know your neighbors who also have children. They have all the same parenting problems that you do and sometimes more, if they are attempting to raise their child in the ways of two different cultures.
  • Getting involved in charitable and community events are a couple of other ways to form these new friendships.

Friendships imply a modicum of mutually assured security in a community. It has been proven in the Middle East, but the media does not show you stories such as these.

Polarization is difficult to cultivate where truth exists.

America is known as the “home of the brave” so be brave America, and go get to know the neighbors you are being told to fear. The relationships you forge may be your community’s best defense.

 

This is the new theme for the 2017 blog series.

I hope you like it.

You can now grab a copy of my book anywhere in the world (so they tell me).

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Do you have guys who are difficult to buy gifts for?

Do you want your guy to read more?

Do you want to keep a young guy from leaping before he looks?

Do you want to figure guys out?

Reviewers love Ms. Creant (and most are women).

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers! is a non-fiction book chronicling one man’s somewhat humorous journey to understand women, relationships, life, society and civilization.

Available in e-book & 8×10 large print editions in both paperback & hardcover.

Amazon US ➜ http://tinyurl.com/hpdbjtp

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Amazon AU ➜ http://tinyurl.com/zhufwl6

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ISBNs

978-1-77302-134-8 (Hardcover)

978-1-77302-132-4 (Paperback)

978-1-77302-133-1 (e-book)

 

What Is Abuse?

Have you been or are you currently a victim of abuse?

This is a tough topic.

We will explore the grey areas and the results might surprise many of us that BELIEVE that we are in a non-abusive relationship.

I have witnessed or counselled people on almost every aspect and type of abuse without ever realizing the nuances of abuse- never truly connecting all the dots for myself.

Did you ever wonder what happens when the cheerleader marries the football player? This post was inspired by a friend that confessed to me that she has been living in fear and has been the recipient of brutal physical attacks over the last twenty years. It sickened me to hear this. I told her that this is not how anyone should live and encouraged her to contact several different agencies and groups for assistance. She was EMBARRASSED to let others know of her situation. I could not fathom how someone could risk serious person injury or even death because of ego.

I found a wonderful brochure in a waiting room that everyone should read. It is simply entitled “ARE YOU COOL?” (Yes, the title appealed to my ego and I think that I am very cool.) The brochure was reprinted by the YWCA and copies can be ordered through METRAC. Inside was a quiz that went as follows: (I included my own answers from all my previous relationship experiences as I was not in a relationship when I took this quiz.)

Relationship Quiz

In a relationship, have you ever experienced:

  1. physical violence?

YES ____ or NO ____

(I had to answer YES even though she was drunk.)

 

  1. threats that your partner will leave you if you don’t do what he/she asks?

YES ____ or NO ____

(Again I was forced to answer YES.)

 

  1. being kept away from your family and friends?

YES ____ or NO ____

(NO.)

 

  1. not being able to look at or speak to other males/females?

YES ____ or NO ____

(Again I was forced to answer YES.)

 

  1. having to justify your whereabouts?

YES ____ or NO ____

(Again I was forced to answer YES.)

 

  1. your partner using guilt trips to get his/her own way?

YES ____ or NO ____

(Again I was forced to answer YES.)

 

  1. not being able to go out without your partner?

YES ____ or NO ____

(Again I was forced to answer YES.)

 

  1. any put-downs about your physical appearance?

YES ____ or NO ____

(Again I was forced to answer YES.)

 

  1. your partner never being satisfied with you?

YES ____ or NO ____

(NO; that I am aware of.)

 

  1. fear or intimidation by your partner?

YES ____ or NO ____

(NO.)

 

  1. being treated badly or humiliated in front of your friends or family?

YES ____ or NO ____

(Again I was forced to answer YES.)

If you answered YES to one or more questions, you may be in an unhealthy relationship.

“Well DUH!” went through my mind. I learned from these relationships and wrote a book about my misadventures. The mere fact that I have personally experienced EIGHT of a possible ELEVEN did shock me a little though. I am a six foot three inch tall guy that is in good physical condition, weighing in at two-hundred pounds and very capable in a fight, as my early bad boys years proved.

I never thought of myself as a VICTIM until I read this.

On the inside of the brochure is a relationship thermometer that ranges from COOL (blue healthy zone) to WARM (amber warning zone) and finally to HOT (red danger zone). Again I would ask myself if I had ever experienced any of these, but this time I would also ask myself if I had actually DONE any of these.

ARE YOU COOL?

Is your relationship healthy?

Find your relationship on the thermometer…

IN THE BLUE HEALTHY ZONE:

Responsibility- Do you and your partner make decisions and solve problems or conflicts together? (Typically, YES.)

Trust- Do you and your partner respect each other’s feelings, wishes and opinions and do you support each other? (Typically, YES.)

Honesty- Do you and your partner accept responsibility for your actions and talk openly and honestly with each other? (Typically, YES.)

Fairness- Do you and your partner work through conflict so that both of you are satisfied and are you each willing to compromise? (QUESTIONABLE- I believe there is a fundamental problem here. I do not believe that people who compromise can also be satisfied. I wrote at length about the word compromise in my book and how it usually means that one party makes more concessions than the other, or capitulates completely to avoid an escalating conflict.)

No Threats- Do you and your partner talk, act and resolve conflicts in ways that make you both feel comfortable and safe? (Typically, YES.)

Financial Partnership- Do you and your partner share financial decisions and responsibilities? (YES.)

Respect- Do you and your partner respect each other’s feelings, opinions and differences? (Typically YES.)

 

IN THE AMBER WARNING ZONE:

Blame & Denial- Does your partner blame you for making the abuse happen, avoid personal responsibility or deny that there is a problem? (YES, I have had partners with these traits.)

Jealousy- Does your partner check up on you or act jealously or possessively towards you? (YES, I have had this happen to me.)

Control- Does your partner boss you around, give orders, or make all the decisions? (NO, I have not had this happen to me but YES I make my wishes clear when a woman moves into MY place, I expect that it remains my place. However, on the few occasions where we got a place together and were both contributing financially, it became OUR place and had to respect her choices… however bad they may be- especially in the areas of decor and household purchases. If this makes me a control freak, so be it. I like what I like.)

Criticism- Does your partner criticize your appearance, your ideas, your family and your friends, or purposely embarrass you in front of others? (This one is an eye-opener: YES, I have been with critical partners and YES I have been critical of my partner at times. How do you encourage growth and change without criticizing? I had an epiphany here. Perhaps my problem is an unwillingness to accept partners for who they are and whoever they might become- to love their soul and ignore all else. I doubt that I can fix this defect in myself. This may be why I choose to remain unattached.)

Fear- Does your partner have a quick temper, a history of mistreating others, threaten suicide or make you feel afraid? (YES, I once had a partner that threatened suicide but I called her bluff and she did not hurt herself. NO, I do not believe I have used fear as a means of control.)

Force- Does your partner force you to do things that you don’t want to do and make you feel guilty if you disagree? (NO, I have never been forced into anything but YES guilt has been used to manipulate me into doing things I did not want to do. NO, I have never used force against my partner and I consciously avoid using guilt as a weapon to get what I want.)

 

IN THE RED DANGER ZONE:

Physical Abuse- Does your partner slap, push or kick you? (NO.)

Sexual Abuse- Does your partner force you to be involved in sex against your will? (NO.)

Financial Abuse- Does your partner control all the money and how it is spent? (NO.)

Threats & Intimidation- Does your partner threaten to hurt you, your family, friends, pets or scare you with looks, actions or suicidal behaviour? (NO.)

Emotional & Verbal Abuse- Does your partner shout, yell, put you down, call you names or make you feel badly about yourself. (This is interesting. Women have shouted, yelled, put me down, called me names but rarely, if ever, made me feel badly about myself. My self-esteem is not fragile. Arguments will get heated sometimes and YES I have raised my voice out of frustration but to the others I would answer NO.)

Isolation- Does your partner control where you go and when or keep you from family and friends? (NO.)

The brochure concluded with:

HEALTHY or UNHEALTHY?

Having a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend) can be an exciting and important time in your life. If your relationship with your partner is a HEALTHY one, you and your partner will feel good about yourselves and value each other. However, sometimes relationships can be HURTFUL and have a negative effect on your feelings of self-worth and self-confidence. This can happen if your partner is abusive towards you. If this is the case, you are in an UNHEALTHY relationship. Remember, being on your own is also a healthy way to be. Having a partner is not a necessary part of life. Discovering life for yourself can be exciting and rewarding.

What is abuse?

Abuse is being hit, slapped or pushed around. It can also be invisible and leave no marks. Emotional and verbal abuse can be terrifying and equally dangerous.

Does your relationship include abuse?

You may feel that it’s your fault if things aren’t working out. Sometimes living with abuse seems better than being alone. You may hope that your partner will change and the abuse will stop – chances are, things will get worse! This happens to many people – you are not alone and IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! Remember, all forms of abuse are attempts to control. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, BE YOURSELF, TAKE CHARGE!

What the pamphlet did not delve into is where abuse comes from.

  • It can be a learned behavioural trait. Being a witness to abuse as a child can lead to being abusive as an adult. To these individuals, abuse has become accepted as being NORMAL.
  • It can come from brain injury and brain chemical imbalance. Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder commonly lead to abuse. In some cases, the treatments work but many patients will quit taking their medications or abuse substances that counteract the effects or the medications. If the abuse begins years into an otherwise normal relationship, the victims often stick it out in the hope that things will somehow return to the way they once were.
  • Jealous possessives are people that are very insecure. They usually have low self-esteem or low self-worth because of the emotional damage they carry with them that could have begun in their childhood with bullying, been imparted into them by the educational system or their family members.
  • Psychopaths have trouble understanding right from wrong. They are usually identified and hopefully treated. There is only a very small percentage of violence from persons with psychological disorders despite what movies and the media tell us. Most people with mental disorders are more likely to be victims than perpetrators.

Settling is the first problem. We make bad relationship decisions based on our self-worth with the romantic, but unrealistic notion that we can change the person we select into our ideal mate. From there it is fear of loss that makes us stay in unhealthy relationships as well as a warped acceptance of the unhealthy relationship as time goes by- eventually, IT JUST BECOMES NORMAL.

Not everyone looks very hard at themselves to try to understand their behaviour. Most people will take the easiest path in life, which often results in them living in an abusive environment and raising children there. This perpetuates abuse generation after generation. It is very sad.

What does it take to remove one’s self from an abusive relationship?

  • BRAVERY- you must believe that a better life can be had despite your insecurities.
  • PATIENCE- you must realize that it probably took some time to get you into this situation and it may take a while to get yourself out of it.
  • HELP- few people just pack a bag, get on a bus and leave forever. Most have to get in touch with family, friends and most importantly… the AUTHORITIES on the subject like police, counsellors, groups and organisations that specialize in this area.
  • HONESTY- You must tell everyone what has been happening to you. It will not be easy and some will wonder why you let things get so bad before doing something about it. Others will just open their doors to you. This honesty will afford you some safety. An abuser that is found out is less likely to do anything that could get them in trouble with the authorities.
  • PLANNING- with the guidance of social workers or other PROFESSIONALS, you will be able to leave for somewhere safer without having to worry about the details of your former home.

 

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

Talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as HOW HAPPINESS IS ATTAINABLE.

 

I will spend the next little while trying to understand why I persist in writing about tough subjects.

Hopefully, something funny will be the inspiration for the next one.

Until then remember “Life is what YOU make of it.”

E. A.

 

Tips for a very Merry Christmas or Holiday Season or what have you.

“This is my Holiday Greeting Card so pay attention!” … he wrote, amused by the overt slap he had just given everyone.

The holiday season, like every day in your life, is what you make of it. You have the choice to make it special or a time to be unhappy. I choose the former.

The best messages of the Holiday Season may help more than ever this year, so here are some of my favorites:

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” Charles Dickens.

“As long as we know in our hearts what Christmas ought to be, Christmas is.” Eric Sevareid.

“Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; teach us to be patient and always be kind.” Helen Steiner Rice.

“He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.” Charlotte Carpenter.

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!” Hamilton Wright Mabie.

“Christmas is a day of joy and charity. May God make you very rich in both.” Phillips Brooks.

“Christmas is not a time or season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” Calvin Coolidge.

“Christmas is not as much about opening presents as opening our hearts.” Janice Maeditere.

“Do give books- religious or otherwise- for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” Lenore Hershey.

“For the spirit of Christmas fulfils the greatest hunger of mankind.” Loring A. Schuler.

This one is perhaps the most needed now.

“Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.”

Oren Arnold

Is the glass half empty of half full? Either way there is only half of a glass, so top it up to the brim with cheer and read on. Yes, it is o.k. to augment your positivity with some artificial peace, love, joy and goodwill.

My “half full” view looks like this:

Recent world events have brought to the surface the best traits of mankind.

In the darkest places on Earth where the most inhuman acts occur; there are acts of selflessness and compassion that continue to shine through the bleakness. The media pays little attention to these stories as it appears to be in violation of their directive to sell fear and despair all year round.

In response to this…

I have locked out the cable box so that only the fireplace channel, Christmas movies and Christmas music stations can be played.

My “half empty” view looks like this:

Recent world events have also brought to the surface the worst traits of mankind.

There is sadness, hate, calls for retribution, racism, fear, paranoia, isolationist thinking and divided opinion in most countries of the world. It has wormed its way into my circle of friends and even my family, so I may choose to spend my time elsewhere this year.

In social media, I have fought many losing battles in an effort to bring balance and rationality to hotly debated issues. Apparently rationality is not in high demand these days- lesson learned. It has left me drained emotionally and thoroughly disappointed in my fellow man. I have un-friended and un-followed a number of people whose posts and conversation I truly enjoyed… until they went over to the dark side.

As of December 15th I will suspend all social media activity until sometime in the New Year. I will strike out in an attempt to find people that are doing for others; whose hearts are full of joy.

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

Talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as HOW EACH OF US CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF WE CHOOSE THAT ROAD.

“Happy holidays to all, and to all a good night.

E. A.

P. S. Have a fabulous New Year as well.

 

Manning Up and Other Lofty Goals

Here is why I did not say these things but instead wrote them for you. I wrote this so that it could be READ. I believe we retain only 20% of what we hear; 50% of what we read and 80% of what we write. This is why I encourage students to apply themselves in school and develop their note-making skills. My intended target for this article should benefit even though he is having a tough time emotionally.

A teenager that I know was devastated by a girl that ended their seven month relationship. As usual, as it is with many men, he was blind-sided but he did confess that he FELT that there was something wrong. She seemed different for a week leading up to the breakup. He had relationships end before without this level of suffering. It was not the first time that he was involved in a sexual relationship. He believes that this traumatic life event requires answers to achieve closure. (His words.)

Question: So why did this one gut him?

Answer: She became his SIGNIFICANT other.

She HELPED him find an educational path that would lead to his dream career and ENCOURAGED him to pursue it. She TAUGHT him that hard work in school pays off, as she is an honor student with many options heading into university. She GAVE love to him; even if it was for a short time.

She made him grow and strive to be better.

Instead of grieving for your lost relationship, THANK HER for being an important part of your life and walk away with your head held high- cherishing the memories.

This is what a REAL MAN does and IT IS NOT EASY.

It is also a great way to make her question her decision.

You may be tempted later to be vindictive. You may wish to inflict as much pain on her as she created in you. These days, guys post sexy pictures of their ex-girlfriends or ex-wives on the internet. This is an immature response that says that you are not yet a man.

REAL MEN do not do this.

Guys, especially young ones, often do not understand what it is to be a REAL MAN. Some think that because they had SEX they are a man. Most think that because they have reached an AGE where they can quit school, leave home, drive, drink, vote, work and live independently that they are men. Others think that because they PROVIDE they are a man. Many believe that because they are ENGAGED OR MARRIED they are a man. Still others think that because they HAVE A CHILD with a woman that they are a man.

Being a REAL MAN is not these things.

Being a REAL MAN means that you LEARNED about yourself and life as you did these things.

After a few decades of ATTEMPTING to be one myself, I have this to share with you my young Padawan learner.

  • A real man does things that make him loved by many. He realizes HE IS LOVED by many people so the loss of one, no matter how significant, is not the end of his world.
  • A real man recognizes that nothing lasts forever. He is GRATEFUL for the women that chose to spend their time with him and the joy they helped him to experience.
  • A real man is AWARE that life is challenging and meeting those challenges head-on is what gives him his strength.
  • A real man FACES HIS FEARS. He does not hide from them even though he is afraid.
  • A real man develops an INNER STRENGTH that allows him continue his life alone, if need be. He is comfortable and content in his own skin and to be on his own. He does not need others to enjoy life.
  • A real man knows that EVERY DAY IS PRECIOUS and does not waste his days on a temporarily broken heart or the person that damaged it.
  • A real man SEEKS KNOWLEDGE and new experiences because they give us understanding. You are not born a wise man. Wisdom is what you collect in your life’s journey.
  • A real man LISTENS more than he talks. He takes in what others say; absorbs the meaning of their words and asks for clarification before deciding to voice his opinion.
  • A real man does not ESCAPE HIS REALITY through booze, drugs, gambling or gaming. A lifestyle that includes these is counterproductive to all of the above. Escape into music, books, art, sports, travel and films as they are far less damaging and supply opportunities to expand your awareness.
  • A real man knows that HIS WORD MEANS EVERYTHING. If he makes a commitment, he will move heaven and earth to make certain he honours his word. His word is his bond. A handshake is his contract.
  • A real man understands that HIS HAPPINESS IS UP TO HIM. No one can give him happiness or take it away. Happiness is something that comes from within. Happiness is something he chooses to make a part of his everyday life.

 

My book:

Ms. Creant: The Wrong Doers!

Life with Women: the long awaited instruction manual.

Talks of relationships, health, life, biology, philosophy, sociology, theology, genetics- even physics as well as THE AUTHOR’S MISGUIDED ATTEMPTS TO BE A REAL MAN.

Hug someone with a broken heart.

E. A.